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  England footballers play football in Turkey – shock
There was shock in Istanbul and in front of televisions across England tonight after a group of men who have been identified as England footballers played football on a football pitch. The players, who have been collectively names as "the England team", went on to draw 0-0 with Turkey and qualify for Euro 2004.

Football pundits have expressed their shock at tonight's events. "Given what's gone on in the last week or two, I think any sort of play was entirely unexpected tonight," said the BBC's John Motson. "But there they were, England footballers passing the ball about, tackling and so forth. I was really quite surprised."

Fans, too, have reacted with disbelief. Doug Ramsbottom, a fanatical England supporter who somehow managed to slip into the ground, told DeadBrain that so far as he could see, no gang rapes, murders or drug-taking incidents had occurred on the pitch. "They looked like they were just playing football," he said. "Not always very good football, like, but it was still football."

England fans had been banned from the stadium, but it is thought that several were able to sneak in. Questioned on the effectiveness of his disguise, which consisted mainly of what was clearly a false moustache, Mr Ramsbottom shrugged and said, "It's worked so far." When our reporter pointed out that his England shirt might be a slight giveaway, he left quickly, pursued by several burly Turks.

However, despite the occurrence of football some violence did occur. "That's more like it," commented a tabloid journalist approvingly as a mini riot ensued in the players' tunnel. "That's what we came here for."



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