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| You are just out of reach of: Home > News | 6th October |
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Evangelicals threaten schism over gays, pigeons, mildew 13 Oct 2003 by Joey Sarajevo The Anglican Church - already bitterly divided over the appointment of homosexual clergy - was plunged into further turmoil last night as Evangelical groups exploited the debate to push for a stricter official line in adherence with Old Testament law. "Of course homophobia is abhorrent," claimed a spokesman for the chunky-sweatered fascists, "but the fact remains it's there in black and white in Leviticus 18: 'No man is to have sexual relations with another man; God hates that'. Far be it for me to judge, but it logically follows that homosexuals are godless creatures whose black evil souls are destined for an eternity in the fiery torment of hell. "And that's not all. I've nothing against the ordination of women personally, but how many of our female priests have followed God's law with regards to their monthly bleeding? It's all quite clear - 'She must wait seven days, and then on the eighth she shall take two doves or two pigeons to the priest, one as a sin offering and one as a burnt offering'. Not many of them go along with that, I'll bet. "Now just think how their congregations must feel, having received tainted ministry from these cloven-bodied harlots. I should think it obvious that the risks associated with female clergy far outweigh any benefits, and if the church is to remain united they should be allowed to peacefully return to the role God has prepared for them as baby-making kitchen help. "Don't even get me started on mildew," continued the spokesman, thumbing through his Bible like a bigotry junky all grey and shaking for his next fix. "Naming no names, there are certain American bishops who should really be thinking about following the wishes of the Almighty and burning down their homes if they want to avoid a schism. They know who they are." Faced with the suggestion that groups such as his were perverting the message of Christ, the spokesman was adamant that they were interested only in fighting for old-fashioned Anglican values. "We've already come a long way in our attempts to substitute sub-Cat Stevens folk for nearly half a millennia of musical tradition and eradicate the austere grandeur of the King James Bible only to replace it with the kind of trite rubbish you might find in a supermarket-shelf self-help manual. Now the time has come to abolish the twentieth-century fad for intelligent moral debate and get back to using fragments of ancient scripture to brainwash the vulnerable and confused into holding our primitive, irrational prejudices. "After all, isn't that what a church founded by a previously devout Roman Catholic as a matter of political expediency should be about?"
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