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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Blunkett |
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| You just fell over: Home > News | 11th February |
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Workers recount loss of Internet access ordeal 18 Oct 2003 by Flash Gorman Staff at a Cambridgeshire-based software house have spoken to DeadBrain about the nightmare scenario that faced them early yesterday morning. Team leader Andy Jones gave us his story. "I was first in at 9am and I noticed straight away that the Internet wasn't working. I wasn't too worried as it's been down before for ten minutes or so. But it was still down by the time everyone else had arrived at 9.30 and I have to say I was starting to panic." Andy wasn't the only who was worried. Slowly the rest of the team were facing up to the grim prospect of starting work as soon as they arrived at the office. Developer Dean Ashford explained the problem. "None of us were really prepared for starting work straight away. We usually warm up by checking our email, surfing the news sites and generally not doing any actual work. It usually takes about an hour to gently ease ourselves into a working mood but if someone sends around an amusing email it can take a couple of hours to get going. The day we got sent a Dilbert compendium we never actually started work at all." So how did they cope with the situation? "Very badly," admitted Dean. "We tried to do some work offline but it was pretty difficult without being able to look stuff up on the net. Some of the guys had a go at looking in some manuals they found in a cupboard but they couldn't get the search engines to work in them." It was while the team was at this low ebb that things took a more sinister turn as Andy explains. "Word got around that someone in the back office had a WAP phone and people started to head over there. At the same time one of the managers was found hiding in the toilets with a web enabled laptop and quite a scrum developed there as well." "Pretty soon we had these two factions developing, one devoted to the textual purity of the WAP phone and the other extolling the virtues of the media rich surfing experience afforded by the laptop. Within a couple of hours these factions had developed into fairly complex religions and, as a devout priest of the WAP phone, I was captured by a raiding party from the laptop followers." Things were looking grim for Andy as he was tied to a photocopier and prepared for ritual sacrifice. "Luckily that was the point that we suddenly got the Internet connection back. Suddenly we all felt a bit foolish. Looking back it was a bit sad how soon we reverted to a primitive state. I later read about an Internet outage in an America office where people survived for nearly 20 hours before someone got killed, we didn't even mange half that." Irony Update The editor writes: This article was due to appear yesterday but DeadBrain was in fact hit by an Internet outage. That'll teach us to make light of these matters.
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