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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Tony Blair |
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| You just spat on: Home > News | 6th October |
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Bush drafts non-aggression agreement with North Korea 20 Oct 2003 by Malcolm Drury Following a verbal commitment made in Bangkok that he is willing to agree to a written guarantee not to attack North Korea in exchange for steps by that country toward abandoning its nuclear weapons programme, US President "Boy" George W. Bush has apparently personally drafted such a guarantee, DeadBrain has learned. On Sunday Mr Bush rejected a formal non-aggression treaty with Pyongyang but hinted that there may be room for some other form of written security pledge. Referring to Mr Bush's statement on Monday, US Secretary of State Colin Powell said he intended to spend the next few days and weeks developing US proposals concerning the North Korean nuclear issue. However, it seems that he may have been pre-empted by the President, who is understood to be concerned about an ongoing Washington power struggle between Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld and National Security Advisor Dr Condoleezza "ZZ" Rice. It is believed that by taking personal responsibility for drafting the guarantee the President is making an effort to re-assert himself as the true, and only, leader of the USA and the rest of the free world. The draft, on a sheet of scented hotel notepaper, appears to be in Mr Bush's own hand. There are many crossings out and misspellings, and the note uses a quasi-legal style. "I the undersined," it begins, "being the President of the US of A and of sound mind, do hereby declare that henceforth and heretowith the said US of A will not attack the North of Korea provided it stops developing nucular weppons. The North of Korea, I mean, not the US of A." It continues: "And I will stop calling the North of Korea an axis of evil if Kim Jong-il stops calling me a bonehedded buffoon. By order, George W.Bush, President and Leader." A hastily scribbled post scriptum, clearly added after the author had received news that North Korea had test-fired a short range missile on Monday morning, says: "But no more firing of missles, OK, you guys?" Graphologist and handwriting expert Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the University of Bootle told DeadBrain that although he had no verified example of Mr Bush's handwriting with which to compare the draft, much of what his analysis revealed was in keeping with what is known about the President. "For example, the down strokes reveal a person who is deeply confused," he said, "and the force with which the ‘i's are dotted suggests a great deal of latent tension." He added that he had no reason to believe the document was anything other than genuine. Reports say that upon learning of the note Mr Rumsfeld went into a white rage, chasing an assistant around the room with a stapler and saying that if anybody were to draft a non-aggression undertaking with North Korea, or anywhere for that matter, it would be him, not the President, and "sure as heck not that wuss [Colin] Powell." In somewhat related news, Mr Bush is reported to be taken with the way Dr. Rice spells her name, considering it to be very elegant and leader-like, and is thinking about formally changing the spelling of his own name to Buussh. A presidential aide, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told our reporter that that is how the President usually spells it anyway.
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