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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Tony Blair |
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| You just spat on: Home > News | 11th February |
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Bush disappointed by cancelled Mall parade 21 Oct 2003 by Malcolm Drury US President "Boy" George W. Bush is reported to be very disappointed that a procession along the Mall during his state visit next month with his wife, Mrs Bush, will not go ahead. The procession is traditionally the public high point of a state visit, with Her Majesty and her foreign guests travelling along the Mall in the Royal Coach, waving to the huddled masses lining the street. However, the planned procession during Mr Bush's visit has been cancelled, as a result of a decision taken by Downing Street after consultations with Buckingham Palace, the White House, Scotland Yard, the AA and Tesco's, who were to have provided the in-coach catering. The official reason given is that the government is anxious about possible anti-war protests. However, after several pints at the "Cock and Bull", Palace official Douglas Ramsbottom showed our reporter a document prepared by Number Ten and marked "Highly Confidential - UK Eyes Only". The document reveals that Mr Bush had misunderstood the nature of the procession. "He assumed, presumably because of his limited exposure to culture outside his native Texas, that the coach would be an old American wild west stagecoach and he had asked to dress up as a cowboy and ride shotgun," explained Mr Ramsbottom, who asked not to be named. "He thought it would be an excellent photo opportunity to show the ‘folks back home' that he was ‘a take charge kind of guy'. When we had finally managed to stop biting our tongues and told him it wouldn't be possible he was very disappointed. We all know how much he likes to dress up." Instead of the Royal Coach, Mr Bush will travel to the Palace by helicopter. It is understood that he has indicated that he would like to wear a US army helicopter pilot's combat uniform and to be lowered into Palace grounds by winch, and Downing Street has agreed, in the interests of diplomacy. Her Majesty, however, is reported to be "not amused" and Prince Philip has apparently threatened to get his shotgun out and take "a pot-shot at the bugger if he tries that". "It's not Monty Python's Flying Circus here, with people dressing up as whatever they bloody well feel like," the Prince is understood to have said. "You don't see us dressing up and looking bloody ridiculous." Other proposed events during the Mr Bush's visit have also been curtailed or cancelled. In particular, Mr Bush will not address Parliament, allegedly because of fears of embarrassment should there be a boycott by MPs. "Actually," confided Mr Ramsbottom, "the real reason is that they couldn't find an interpreter."
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