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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Ann Widdecombe |
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| You are puzzled to find: Home > News | 12th October |
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 Royal Family obtains injunction against itself 24 Nov 2003 by Malcolm Drury DeadBrain has learned that the Royal Family has obtained a High Court injunction banning its members from discussing its affairs among themselves at the table and in any other situation where a servant might be able to overhear. In practical terms, this essentially means at all times. According to our royal reporter, who is masquerading as a sideboard at Buckingham Palace, the action follows an embarrassing lapse in which a reporter for an alleged newspaper obtained a post as a footman at the Palace under false pretences and subsequently wrote a story describing various eccentricities of The Family. The alleged newspaper in question has agreed to a permanent injunction preventing it from publishing further revelations, and it is to contribute £25,000 towards the Queen's legal costs. It is expected that she will use some of the money to buy new, more regal containers for the Royal cornflakes and porridge oats, which are currently served in Tupperware containers, according to the newspaper's footman/reporter. According to our sideboard, the injunction against The Family talking to itself is the idea of Her Majesty personally, who is reported to be "sick and tired of all this leaking". Douglas Ramsbottom, a real footman at the Palace, told DeadBrain that Her Majesty hopes that the action will put an end to further revelations of the nature of those previously reported, such as that the Grand Old Duke of York owns a cushion carrying the slogan "Eat, sleep and remarry", or of those that would have been reported were it not for the earlier injunction against the alleged newspaper. These are thought to include a suggestion that * (the Royal formerly known as Prince Charles) sleeps with a large pink hedgehog called Simon and that Princess Anne is secretly a goth. Because they can no longer be printed by the alleged newspaper DeadBrain is unable to quote them. Our sideboard was unable to shed any light on their authenticity. In an attempt to prevent further embarrassing leaks, Her Majesty has decreed that henceforth any conversation between members of the family in the presence of servants shall be by a combination of hand signals and written means. It is understood that she has ordered a number of personal whiteboards from Staples, along with a supply of dry erasable markers to be used for colour-coded written conversations. Green will be used for normal conversation, red for heated arguments, and purple will be reserved for Prince Philip to say "bugger" and other of his favourite expletives. A particular hand signal has also been reserved for his exclusive use. Constitutional expert Professor Douglas Ramsbottom told DeadBrain that to the best of his knowledge this was the first time royals had taken to banning talking to themselves. "It does seem to be unprecedented at least in the Royal Family, although it seems that the Tories have not been talking to themselves for some time, and there certainly haven't been any embarrassing leaks about them," he said. "In fact nobody knows what they're up to. That may be where Her Majesty got the idea." Related Articles Prince Charles changes name, becomes * 13 Nov 2003 Prince Charles linked to Hamiltons in new allegations 12 Nov 2003 Prince Charles's potted plants to move out of Clarence House 10 Nov 2003 Newspaper lets cat out of bag over Charles allegations 9 Nov 2003 The allegations against Prince Charles 8 Nov 2003
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