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| You have been drawn towards: Home > News | 11th February |
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Government to introduce compulsory amputation for new students 26 Nov 2003 New details of the government's proposed reforms of the university tuition fees system emerged tonight and they are set to be even more controversial than the last. Already under fire for wanting to increase fees to up to £3,000, a senior government source has told DeadBrain that students will also be forced to hand over parts of their bodies to help pay for their studies. "If this goes ahead, students will literally be paying an arm and a leg for their degrees," our source said. "This form of payment will be up-front; the monetary fees will come later as is the current plan." According to the plans, seen by DeadBrain, students will be required to undergo operations to remove limbs before they can register. To save on costs, second and third-year medical students will carry out the amputations, with help from woodwork pupils from local schools, providing them with vital experience. Once removed, the body parts will be used for a variety of purposes, including scientific experiments, food for zoo animals and potentially as fuel to heat universities, "pending the results of current trials", thus saving money. Negotiations are also underway with a number of American cosmetic surgery clinics to establish a wholesale agreement for surplus stock. Arms and legs appear to be the favourites for amputation, but other body parts are also "under consideration". It is thought that the choice of limbs to lose will be up to individual students, but incentives will be offered for the most sought-after. "We're not going to let them get away with picking the odd finger that they don't really use," our source said. "It's going to have to be substantial. The universities are really short of cash." "We will be offering advice on this, though," he continued. "For example, we will encourage students not to give us both of their arms or both of their legs, particularly if they are into athletics." "The odd ear would be quite appropriate for art students," he mused, "although I don't know what musicians could give. They seem to need most of theirs." The reaction from universities to the proposals has been mixed. Some, particularly those involved heavily with medicine and the sciences, are agog at the prospect of a ready supply in body parts for use in experiments. "This would save us thousands every year in breeding and feeding mice," commented a Dean at Bootle University. "My only concern is with storage, things like legs take up much more space. If the amputations could be staggered throughout the academic year then that would be especially helpful." Other universities are more cautious. "Aside from the obvious ethical implications, which I'm not particularly concerned about, we would end up with a lot of one-legged people hopping around the place," commented one Oxford professor, who wished to remain anonymous. "We would become a laughing stock, and they'd make a terrible noise. It would be far better if they could keep all of their bodies and then they could, you know, make money in other ways." Although no mention is made of prostitution, the Department for Education plans also extend to means testing. "Poorer students will be allowed some leniency, following assessment by their local authorities. If they can demonstrate that, for example, they are the first in their family to have two legs, then the required contribution could be limited to as little as a single eyebrow," the secret document stated. "However, if a student's parents have a total of 80% or more body parts present between them then a full contribution will be required." Parents of potential students who would not ordinarily go to university have reacted angrily. "When I were a lad we were so poor we couldn't afford legs," said Gregory T Mullet from Bradford. "We had to use big sticks instead and it hurt like hell. Now we've got legs the government wants to take them away from us again. It's totally unfair, I bet when Blair went to university he had legs." A handwritten note added to the end of the document says that the "potentially lucrative" area of internal organs has yet to be explored, but adds that some existing laws may first need to be altered to allow this to take place. The National Association of Kebab Shop Owners has expressed its interest. Existing students, however, are opposed to but intend to do nothing about the proposals. "Yeah it's terrible and all that, but what can we do?" replied Douglas Ramsbottom, President of Bootle University's Student Union. "Nobody can afford to get to London to march twice in one year and half of us are already legless so it won't make much difference." University staff and students in Scotland, where the proposals will not apply, have reacted with amusement.
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