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Queen's Speech: Bored Blair decides to create his own opposition
26 Nov 2003 by Joey Sarajevo
The parlous state of the official Opposition was underlined today at the state opening of Parliament as the government unveiled a succession of bills seemingly designed for no other purpose than to start internecine battles within the Labour Party, lose middle-class support and again leave senior ministers open to charges of control-freakery.
As is traditional, the government's plans for the coming parliamentary session were outlined by the Queen in her annual address this morning. The monarch, wheeled out this year as always like some weird ceremonial karaoke singer, brayed her way through a list of policies which were either far to the right of their traditional base of support, or calculated to upset the sensibilities of Liberal and Tory voters and make it impossible for them to consider voting Labour in the future.
This is seen as more evidence in support of the rumours around Westminster that Tony Blair is fed up with the quality of opposition provided by the Tories. "It's just no fun anymore," remarked one Labour insider. "Sure, after the eighties we enjoyed putting the boot in, but now it's too easy." Mr. Blair is also reportedly unhappy with the pressure of memorising the name of a new Leader of the Opposition every few weeks.
It appears that Mr. Blair has embarked on a two-pronged strategy in an attempt to re-ignite the flames of his failing political libido. Two high-profile policies, the introduction of top-up fees for Universities and the tightening of asylum laws, will cause massive divisions within his party and hopefully coalesce opposition against him into a single bloc, bringing back memories of the heady days of the SDP.
Other policies, such as the introduction of a civil 'marriage' for homosexuals, will help to ensure the continual censure of the Government from traditional opponents like the Daily Mail, as well as from within carefully courted allies such as the Sun and the Church. This should serve to shore up Michael Howard's position as Tory leader and prevent Mr. Blair being surprised by yet another new face when he returns from his next egomaniacal trip overseas.
Reform of the House of Lords is the coup-de-grace of this particular branch of the plan. Tories will be aghast at the further erosion of tradition, not least because that tradition involves a second chamber dominated by Conservatives. Although plans to create an appointed chamber will sit well with traditional Labour and trade union values of bypassing democracy whenever possible in case it should prove inconvenient, it will dismay many more moderate supporters who may be tempted to defect to the increasingly buoyant Liberal Democrats.
Figures close to Mr. Blair are reportedly glowing with pride over what they see as a political masterstroke. "It's ensured his place in history," said one, a rictus grin like that of his master's playing across his bloodless lips. "He's got exactly what he wanted. It's going to be one hell of a mess Gordon has to sort out if he wants to be PM."
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Look at this, moron.
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