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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Ann Widdecombe |
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| You are puzzled to find: Home > News | 11th February |
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Telegraph to launch new "broadersheet" edition 28 Nov 2003 by Matt Knight The Daily Telegraph has today upped the ante in the current round of newspaper size wars. Bucking the current trend for downsizing, the Telegraph will be published at twice its normal size, making it officially Britain's biggest quality daily, providing more coverage than any other national daily newspaper. In what's widely seen as a desperate attempt to claw back a literally dying readership, Daily Telegraph bosses are praying that the new "broadersheet" will allow its older readership to actually read it. It is hoped that a new enlarged typeface will finally put an end to the farcical situation whereby old grannies sit reading the paper pinned to their noses or with the aid of a magnifying glass. The first editions of the "broadersheet" will be giving away a pair of extendable clasps for every reader. It is hoped that this will allow people with shorter arms to hold the paper in the normal fashion. However, in what has been described as a cheap and cynical marketing ploy, tramps will be handed free copies of the newspaper. Earlier today Telegraph spokesman Gregory T Mullet defended the move: "OK, so it's a bit of free advertising, but we are giving disadvantaged people a chance to read our paper. We are giving them more coverage...especially at night." Rival Fleet Street editors were quick to rubbish The Daily Telegraph's new mega format. The editor of the Times, Robert Thomson, told DeadBrain: "This is a pathetic attempt to revitalise flagging sales. I mean, who's going to read it, Mr Tickle? It's curtains for The Daily Telegraph, and paper curtains for their readers!" In addition to the extendable clasps, the Telegraph will be giving away a massive Union Jack flag, emblazoned with the words "Naff Off Desmond", and a Boris Johnson blonde wig. It is believed that chip shop owners, private detectives and DIY enthusiasts are most likely to buy the new version. In a separate development, DeadBrain has learned that The Daily Star is considering halving its current size and laminating three editions a week.
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