 |
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Cameron |
|
 |
|
| You have fallen over: Home > News | 14th October |
| |
|
 Pentagon releases details of Guantanamo trials protocols 3 Dec 2003 by Malcolm Drury Faced with growing pressure from the US Justice Department to resolve the situation concerning more than 600 guests of the American military at the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, the Pentagon today released details of the protocols to be adopted for possible trials by military tribunals. The surprise development came following a news report that the Pentagon had dismissed a team of military lawyers recruited to defend the alleged terrorists after some of its members protested at what they claimed was the unfair way the trials have been designed. The Pentagon strongly denied the media report. "That's simply not the case," the Pentagon's top dog, Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld, told reporters at a press conference in Washington today. "Have some of the trial lawyers expressed concerns? Sure. Were they about fairness or otherwise? Absolutely not. They simply wanted to know when the trials would commence so that they could arrange their agendas. And some of them decided, after certain options were presented to them, to leave the team of their own accord." "Besides, I don't think there is anything unfair about the way the trials have been rigged, er, I mean designed," he went on. "We know that we know that some of the protocols established are new and therefore unknown, but we know that they are unknown, so they are not as unknown as things that are known to be completely unknown", he continued. "And we would not knowingly not know what the unknowns are, even if we knew that we did not know. So I don't know what could be fairer than that," he added. "Or at least I think so," he concluded, scratching his head, before turning the proceedings over to Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III. Mr. Ramsbottom III said that those of the Guantanamo prisoners who would eventually be brought to trial would have certain fundamental rights, including the right to be gagged at all times while in court, to have their conversations with their military-appointed defence lawyers monitored, to have a change of orange suit, blindfold and shackles every third day, and to have free transportation between their cage and the secret location where the trial would be held. "In terms of how the trials will be conducted they must, for reason of national security, be conducted in secret. Also for that reason all reporting of the trials and their outcomes, including sentences, will be banned. The US military will provide the judge and prosecution lawyer, and the prisoner will be allowed to choose a defence lawyer from a list drawn up in consultation with and approved by Mr. Rumsfeld," he explained. Asked about when charges might be laid so that trials could begin, Mr. Ramsbottom III blinked rapidly for several seconds before suddenly announcing that the press conference was over. US Attorney General John "Darth Vader" Ashcroft is reported to be monitoring the situation closely, believing that the protocol to be used may eventually find a broader use in the USA when the successor to the Patriot Act is introduced. Related Articles Bush blames Saddam Hussein for solar storm 25 Oct 2003 Rumsfeld seeks UK help in target-setting and performance metrics 24 Oct 2003 Bush: Newly-discovered star part of Axis of Evil 10 Oct 2003 Guantanamo Bay interpreters suspected of Comical Ali influence 7 Oct 2003
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2001-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Sheep |