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| You are sitting on: Home > News | 16th May |
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 Bush hails downfall of Sauron, asks for UN aid for Mordor reconstruction 15 Dec 2003 by Malcolm Drury Addressing reporters at an impromptu press conference yesterday, US President "Boy" George W. Bush hailed the downfall of Sauron and called on the United Nations to come together to provide funds for the reconstruction of Mordor by American companies. Wearing a long, blonde wig, a cloak, and bearing a plastic sword at his side, the president praised the victory of the coalition of the willing in bringing about the downfall of the Dark Lord and his ring of mass destruction. "The coalition forces, led by the US, performed braveously," he said, "especially the troops of Gondor and Rohan. Oh, and the elves." "And the whole free world owes an enormous debt to the courage of CIA operatives Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee for their covert operation that led to the destruction of Sauron's ring. A great evil has been removed from the world and the people of Mordor can finally live in a free, automanous democracy under US rule," he continued. MrBush went on to make a plea to the member states of the United Nations to put aside their differences and join together to provide the financial aid that Mordor now desperately needs. Its infrastructure had been virtually destroyed by Sauron and his henchmen, he said. "The US will be making a large contribution to the reconstruction effort," he said, "and bidding on contracts will be open to all members of the coalition, including Rohan and Gondor, but not the French or Germaniums, US taxpayers would not support that. But we cannot do it alone. I implorify the U of N to work with us to make sure the necessary funds are put in place." The president went on to say that even though Sauron had been destroyed, the world must remain on the alert for attacks by remnants of his regime. "Cells of terrorist orcs still exist," he said, "and we must be constantly on our guard. I intend to ask Gandalf to work directly with my National Security Advisor to provide his insight into this threat." Mr Bush concluded his address by saying that he hoped to make a state visit to Gondor early in the New Year. White House spokesperson Mildred K. Ramsbottom later explained to reporters that the president has been under a lot of stress recently, and what with being excited about Christmas has not been getting much sleep, and so may have become a little more confused than usual. "We gave him a glass of warm milk and got him settled down, and he finally fell asleep muttering something about his precious," she said. Related Articles Bush: Ever noticed how all evil people have beards? 14 Dec 2003 17:53 Tony Blair's reaction to Saddam Hussein's capture 14 Dec 2003 14:46 Coalition: Saddam captured, will never buy weapons from us again 14 Dec 2003 Bush, Rumsfeld in Halloween video campaign for Iraqi war effort 30 Oct 2003 Bush appeals directly to Europeans for Iraq aid 16 Oct 2003 Bush upset over Nobel Peace Prize, promises "decisive action" 10 Oct 2003
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