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| You accidentally discovered: Home > News | 8th August |
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 BBC to ban journalists from reporting news 16 Dec 2003 The BBC is to ban its journalists from reporting the news ahead of likely criticism from the Hutton Inquiry, the corporation announced today. A spokesman said that such journalism was incompatible with the BBC's requirement to be impartial and efforts would be made to put a stop to it. "For example, take the reporting of post-war Iraq when one of the mass graves was uncovered," the spokesman said. "Our reporters used words like 'terrible' and gave the impression that it was a bad thing. But this wasn't impartial: Saddam Hussein would disagree completely, for example. In cases like these the BBC is failing in its obligations and the governors have decided that it's better be safe than sorry. All reporting of news-related issues will cease immediately and be replaced by light entertainment and docusoaps." The spokesman went on to cite the example of the Six O'Clock news, where the corporation has successfully reduced the amount of news included in the programme and hence its potential to offend. "We've managed to sneak in more pointless graphics, more hand-waving, more 'coming up later in the programme' segments, more 'special reports' about what global warming does to budgies, that sort of thing. There is still some way to go – we haven't managed to persuade George Alagiah to wear a Hawaiian shirt yet, for example, and people like John Simpson and Andrew Marr still show up on there from time to time – but viewers don't seem to have noticed the declining amount of news so far. In fact, it's the most-watched 'news' programme in the country." Reallocating resources from the BBC's news budget to other departments would save millions of pounds every year. "It will allow the BBC to concentrate on its key objectives of entertaining the masses and beating ITV in the ratings," the spokesman continued. "Nobody's interested in what's going on in Parliament, so why bother reporting it? We're better off putting money in to programmes like the Tweenies and EastEnders instead – they are what people want to watch." The government is reportedly "delighted" about the decision. Many of the journalists working for the BBC are likely to be unhappy at losing their main source of income, but received some comfort from the fact that they would have their newspaper columns to fall back on. "If the BBC doesn't want us to talk about the news, then we'll write about it instead," one well-known correspondent said. However, the BBC said that the ban would extend to all news-related activities, including those for newspapers. "We don't want any of our journalists going anywhere near the news," the spokesman explained. "The potential for embarrassment is just too great." Pressed on what the corporation would do with the vast number of journalists it employs, the spokesman said that a selection of the big names will be redeployed to a weekly Children in Need-like performance show, where they are hoped to continue singing and dancing in a highly amusing and embarrassing way. "If this doesn't finish off their journalistic careers then I don't know what will," he added. Related Articles Tony Blair's reaction to Saddam Hussein's capture 14 Dec 2003 14:46 Iraqi army was unprepared for war, lacked WMD, says report 11 Dec 2003 In Brief: Leaders find common ground in Iraq talks 20 Sep 2003 Renewed calls for Hutton Inquiry to be clearly marked 15 Sep 2003 Campbell resigns, replaced by Slade guitarist 29 Aug 2003 Hoon sends postcard to Dr Kelly's widow 5 Aug 2003
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