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Mad cow panic! Bush mines fields, bombs abattoirs
24 Dec 2003
A White House spokesman has this morning denied that President Bush overreacted when told about a suspected case of BSE in Washington state. According to sources close to Mr Bush, he immediately began jumping about, hanging his tongue out and scraping it with his fingernails. Once calmed by his aides, he then proceeded to issue orders to the military that mad cow proliferation should not go any further. These are thought to include the bombing of abattoirs dealing with beef, placing land mines around the edges of cow fields and closing the US-Canada border.
"Mr Bush was extremely concerned at the discovery of BSE in a cow and I don't think you will find anyone who will say he didn't act appropriately," the spokesman told DeadBrain. "There is absolutely no risk to anybody's health, but the President has left for Camp David as a precaution."
Agriculture Secretary Ann M Veneman said that there was nothing to worry about. "Apart from it having links with a lethal and incurable brain disease, there is nothing to fear from eating BSE-infected beef," she said, force-feeding her daughter beef, who promptly collapsed.
Tom Ridge, the man responsible for America's homeland security, was also keen to avoid panic. "I recommend that any American worried for their safety over BSE should encase their home in plastic sheeting and duct tape, just to be on the safe side," he said, adding that it would be completely useless but that a leading duct tape manufacturer had pledged to sponsor Mr Bush's re-election campaign.
The CIA is meanwhile investigating links between the infected cow and Saddam Hussein.
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Wow, look at this!
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