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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · John Prescott |
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| You are disappointed to see: Home > News | 5th December |
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Vatican to beatify Maradona for 'miracle' Hand of God goal 28 Dec 2003 by Carpo Pope John Paul II is to beatify Diego Maradona, after the Argentinean football legend's infamous 'hand of God' goal was classified as a miracle. Papal spokesman Jean Renoit said that Vatican researchers had "studied all the evidence" and concluded that Maradona's goal for Argentina against England in the 1986 World Cup Finals had been a holy occurrence. "Signor Maradona clearly managed to divert the ball into the net without using either foot or his head," he said. "It could only have been divine intervention." The decision has caused uproar among some Catholics who insist that no one can actually be beatified until they are technically dead. "We've looked into that as well," said Renoit. "Signor Maradona has undergone stringent medical analysis and our doctors are convinced that his body is physically dead. In fact, half his heart has already been eaten away by cocaine consumption." Vatican law states that anyone who has performed a miracle can achieve beatification, the penultimate step before sainthood. In the last year, discredited media tycoon Robert Maxwell and East End gangster Reggie Kray have both been beatified by the Pope for making large amounts of money and people disappear respectively. However, some critics are worried by the allegedly arbitrary way in which Pope John Paul II has handed out beatifications during his reign. Since becoming Pope in 1978, he has honoured over 34 million people with the distinction, representing a staggering 99.8% of total beatifications in the Vatican's history. "We believe the process has been devalued a little since the current Pope came in," said Catholic priest Father Tom Higgins from Liverpool. "In fact, to use football parlance, beatification has become rather like the Worthington Cup." The Pope declined our request for an interview.
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