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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Blunkett |
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| You don't remotely resemble: Home > News | 6th October |
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 Conservative leader auditions for rock group "The Darkness" 2 Jan 2004 The Conservative leader, Michael Howard, today launched his bid to become part of rock group The Darkness with a double-page newspaper advert in the Times. In a move which may have confused many traditional Conservatives, Mr Howard wrote: "I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart." A senior Conservative source said that this was part of a campaign to show the electorate the cuddly, human, side of Mr Howard, not an announcement that he was going to grow long hair, dress in a giant white spandex babygrow and start singing in a high-pitched voice. Mr Howard continued with a message of hope for Conservatives: "There's a chance we could make it now, we'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down," adding: "I believe in a thing called love, ooh!" Writing of The Darkness's lead singer, Justin Hawkins, Mr Howard said that he wanted to kiss him "every minute, every hour, every day" and, echoing Neil Kinnock, that he had got him "in a spin but everything is A.OK." Mr Howard has recorded himself singing the text of his advertisement and has sent copies to Atlantic Records, The Darkness's record company, all Conservative members and, mistakenly, DeadBrain. Political commentator and Kerrang journalist Douglas Ramsbottom gave his reaction to Mr Howard's audition. "Bollocks," he told DeadBrain. "He's just nicked a load of lyrics and slapped them into an ad in the Times, of all places. He hasn't got a hope of becoming a serious musician, and I doubt that this will do his political career any good either." Mr Howard later attempted to defend his advertisement in a radio interview, but his microphone was cut off and he was led away when he told the interviewer: "Touching you, touching me, touching you, god you're touching me. I'm Alan Partridge, ah-ha." Atlantic Records have yet to say whether Mr Howard has been successful in his auditon. Related Articles Country in total Tory denial 14 Nov 2003 Tories sack HQ in further reshuffle 13 Nov 2003 Howard plans further downsizing of Tory Party 12 Nov 2003 BBC to sue Howard over alleged Dr Who rip-off 11 Nov 2003 Howard appoints Council of Elders, Sheriff of Nottingham 10 Nov 2003 Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader 6 Nov 2003
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