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Traffic Wardens to get X-ray vision, other new powers
5 Jan 2004 by Flash Gorman
MPs are to discuss new proposals to increase the powers of traffic wardens. Initially the new powers are to be limited to X-ray vision and super increased pettiness but, if successful, more dramatic powers may be introduced.
The driving force behind the new measures, transport minister David Jamieson, explained to DeadBrain the thinking behind them. "The Americans have had this sort of system for many years now, and it's a successful model. I'm talking here about people such as Spiderman and The Fantastic Four."
"These noble individuals serve to take the burden away from the police in areas such as burglary, armed robbery and murder," he said. "This helps to free up the police for more important tasks such as replacing the film in speed cameras and holding press conferences to refute rises in crime figures."
Mr Jamieson went on to explain how they intended to boost the powers of the initial batch of selected Traffic Wardens. "Admittedly it's not a precise art, but we're attempting to cover all of the obvious bases. Some of the wardens are being exposed to a variety of radioactive materials and others are being subjected to bizarre, hush-hush, military experiments. It's early days yet but trials with radioactive slugs have at least managed to improve the social acceptability of the wardens."
The traffic wardens will be deployed with the dual aim of stopping giant lizards from trampling London and preventing motorists from blocking yellow junction boxes. Initial feedback from focus groups has indicated the giant lizards may well be thwarted, but it would be a more difficult task to deal with blocked junction boxes, as "most motorists are lazy bastards".
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Oi, down here!
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