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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · George W Bush |
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| You are happy to see: Home > News | 6th October |
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 US to require urine samples from visitors7 Jan 2004 by Malcolm Drury
Following its implementation of US-VISIT, the US Visitor and Immigrant Status Indicator Technology, which uses fingerprinting and photographing of people arriving at US entry points, the Bush administration is to introduce further security measures to screen out unwanted guests, DeadBrain has learned. From the beginning of February all visitors arriving by land, sea, air or space will be required to provide an on-the-spot urine sample.
The urine will be tested for the presence of characteristic chemicals found in the ingredients of food eaten in countries that are on a "watch list" as potential harbourers of terrorists and liberals. Passengers whose samples test positive for the chemicals will be subjected to detailed scrutiny by immigration officials. Airports, seaports and border crossing points across the US have been instructed to build screened-off donation facilities. However, it is understood that donors will be discreetly monitored to ensure that they give a genuine sample. People who are unable or unwilling to provide a sample upon arrival will be given a container and taken to a holding area with lots of fountains and dripping taps and left there until they perform. Anyone failing to do so within a reasonable amount of time will be handcuffed, blindfolded and sent to Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay for further processing. The new screening programme, called US-Personal Identification Security Strategy, will complement US-VISIT. But, unlike US-VISIT, travellers from countries for which there is no visa requirement to enter the USA will not be exempt from the urine check. Marvin K. Ramsbottom, a spokesman for the US Department of Homeland Security, told our reporter that this was simply in the interests of fairness. He said that unlike some other measures, the testing of urine for indications of the donor having eaten certain foods did not amount to racial profiling. "Quite the contrary," he said, "this means that a person's physical appearance will not be the criterion by which he or she is pulled out for detailed questioning." He added that a special facility was under construction in Waco, Texas, for storing the urine samples. They will be kept until officials have a record of the donor leaving the country, after which they will be destroyed, or returned to the donor if a prior request has been made, he said. A Downing Street spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, told our reporter that the British government was considering a similar measure as part of its proposed sweeping new emergency powers. "We're well placed to do it, old boy," he said, "we've been extracting the urine from foreigners for years." Related Articles Blair pays surprise visit to traffic wardens 7 Jan 2004 More flights cancelled as terror fears grow 5 Jan 2004 Pentagon releases details of Guantanamo trials protocols 3 Dec 2003 Bush blames Saddam Hussein for solar storm 25 Oct 2003 Rumsfeld seeks UK help in target-setting and performance metrics 24 Oct 2003
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