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| You are hovering over: Home > News | 6th October |
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 Mixed reaction to new Civil Contingencies Bill8 Jan 2004 by Terence William Howard
The government has published a bill which gives authorities sweeping new powers to cope with civil emergencies including terrorist attacks, major floods, catastrophic storms, oil spills and aggressive chess tournaments.
The Civil Contingencies Bill will allow ministers and an array of pimple-faced pen-pushers to issue emergency orders without the approval of Parliament, the French or UEFA football chief Sepp Blatter. The Bill has aroused concern among civil liberties campaigners, as well as parliamentarians and chess players, who warned that as initially drafted it gave ministers the ability to invoke emergency powers in too wide a range of circumstances. Traffic wardens will be one group that will benefit from the wide-ranging new powers in the event of an emergency. Gregory T Mullet, long-time traffic warden and spokesman for the Traffic Wardens Appreciation Trust (TWAT) shared his thoughts with DeadBrain. "It's all falling into place, this is indeed a great day for the unsung heroes of this land. For far too long these brave men and women have been confined to menial jobs, these new powers will allow us to fulfil our true potential, it is our destiny, now bring on the terrorists." Douglas Ramsbottom, a longhaired bearded type and communications director for civil liberties group "Liberty" shared his concerns with DeadBrain. "This is a step too far," he bleated. "If a fat man farts in Bristol he'll be pounced upon by government agents disguised as melon farmers. If little Tommy with his wonky leg and shallow eyes thinks commie thoughts he'll be run over by a government-funded milk float, it's all too much man." An unnamed Government source who wishes to remain anonymous, but is thought definitely to be Deputy Prime Minister John "Slugger" Prescott, slammed Mr Ramsbottom's statement calling it "huffle-puff", "fudge", and "a load of paranoid shite". Cabinet Office minister Christopher Grant, famed for telling the truth no matter what, told DeadBrain, "It will streamline civil protection procedures to meet the challenges of the 21st century. It will also keep 60 million losers in line with government thinking. Never before has the government had so much control over the population, it arouses me no end knowing that at a snap of my fingers I can quarantine the Welsh." A spokesman later insisted that that particular scenario was not the main objective of the Bill. Related Articles US to require urine samples from visitors 7 Jan 2004 Blair pays surprise visit to traffic wardens 7 Jan 2004 More flights cancelled as terror fears grow 5 Jan 2004 Pentagon releases details of Guantanamo trials protocols 3 Dec 2003 Bush blames Saddam Hussein for solar storm 25 Oct 2003
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