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| You don't remotely resemble: Home > News | 4th December |
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Rusedski just tip of iceberg in Canadian plot10 Jan 2004 by Malcolm Drury
The exposure of "British" tennis player Greg Rusedski as Canadian is only the tip of the iceberg of a ruthless plot by Canada, a country whose people are normally seen, if at all, as mild-mannered, peace-loving and harmless, to achieve world domination, according to CIA analyst Hiram K. Ramsbottom.
It is well known that performers such as Celine Dion, Shania Twain and Alanis Morrisette are Canadian, but what is generally less well known is that Canadians make up the majority of Hollywood stars (such as William Shatner), US television news readers (ABC's Peter Jennings), former speech writers for US President "Boy" George W. Bush (David Frum), and newspaper tycoons (Lord Blackadder). Furthermore, Canada is a principal supplier of mad cows and robotic equipment to NASA, in particular the space shuttle's "Canadarm", and almost all players on American ice hockey teams hail from Canada. Mr. Ramsbottom told our reporter that in his opinion it is time the world knew about this insidious creeping of things Canadian into the global psyche. He said that US governments had known about it for years but had not, until the presidency of Mr. Bush, considered it to be a danger. "Canadians look like us, dress like us, eat like us, watch our TV programmes and movies, and more or less sound like us," he said. "OK, so their beer is better than ours, but even so we haven't previously considered them a threat." However, with the failure of Canada to join Mr. Bush's coalition of the willing to liberate Iraq and its oil, the Bush administration has been taking a closer look at its northern neighbour, he said. And what it has found has alarmed some of the hawks in the administration. "We have reason to believe that many more Canadians than we previously thought may have infiltrated the very fabric of US society and government," he said. He added that while he did not want to name names, Mr. Bush had asked Attorney General Ashcroft to examine some of the softer members of the administration for signs of Canadian-ness. Asked if he was referring to Colin Powell, Mr. Ramsbottom refused to comment. However, he indicated that members of Mr. Ashcroft's staff were to approach the Association of Tennis Professionals to seek their advice on the best method for identifying Canadians. "And we're going to be taking a very close look at that Canadarm," he added. Meanwhile, in a recorded statement, a grinning Mr. Rusedski, holding an open bottle of Molson Export, simply said, "Busted, eh?" Related ArticlesBritish Tennis Association condemns Canadian "druggie"9 Jan 2004 Rusedski tests positive for being Canadian9 Jan 2004
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