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| You have fallen over: Home > News | 19th March |
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 Bush orders military occupation of the moon14 Jan 2004 21:14 by Malcolm Drury
Speaking in the last hour, US President "Boy" George W Bush has announced that he had ordered a US military occupation force to be deployed on the moon as soon as possible.
He said that recent re-examination by the CIA of photographs of the moon's surface during the Apollo landings of the late 60s and early 70s had clearly revealed it to be made of sand and rock and it was therefore prime real estate for terrorist groups such as al-Qaeda who thrive in such an environment. He acknowledged that neither the photos nor recent examination of the lunar surface by the Hubble telescope had shown any indications of the presence of terrorists on the moon, but given that the successful liberation of Afghanistan and Iraq by US-led forces had drastically reduced the number of their training camps, it was only a matter of time before they tried to set up bases on Earth's closest neighbour. "The Yanide States o' Merica," he said, "will not and cannot let the terrists set up operations on the moon, which we consider is US territory anyway, since we're the only ones that ever went there. So applying the Bush Doctrine I have today ordered that the moon be taken into protectional US custody, and a permanently manned and womanned base be set up there as a matter of extreme national urgency." "And I don't want to hear any complaints from the U of N, especially the French and Germaniums," he said. "This is a logical step and Americans, including I, are not prepared to wait for resiglution after resiglution." He added that he had asked his National Security Advisor, Condoleezza Rice, to assume the additional responsibility of lunar security advisor, and went on to say that once the occupation forces had established themselves on the moon and made it secure he would be appointing a civilian administrator who would move there to oversee the construction of a permanent infrastructure. It is believed that Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney quickly began pushing for construction contracts to be let on a non-competitive basis to companies with a strong track record in the USA's other principal area of occupation, Iraq, and suggested Halliburton. A White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told DeadBrain that Mr Bush and Secretary of Offence Donald Rumsfeld had had a heated discussion concerning to whom the lunar administrator should report, with Mr Rumsfeld taking the position that as the only other humans on the moon would be military then obviously the person should report to him. However, Mr Bush had countered that as there would eventually be a lot of construction work going on to establish permanent structures, there would be a lot of civilians, and security could become an issue, so the administrator should report to Ms. Rice. "At that, Rummy went into one of his white rages," confided the official, "screaming and cursing. He eventually stormed out of the room, after biting a chunk out of an ink blotter on the president's desk. It was pretty intense for a while." UpdateDouglas Ramsbottom, a Downing Street spokesman, has told reporters that Prime Minister Blair has promised Mr Bush his full and unconditional support and has offered British troops to assist in the occupation.Related Articles Bush congratulates scientists, makes own Mars discovery 7 Jan 2004 Mission to find lemmings on Mars suffers new setback 4 Jan 2004 US probe lands on Mars, begins search for WMD 4 Jan 2004
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