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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · George W Bush |
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| You are humming to the tune of: Home > News | 4th December |
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Government to introduce fixed payment rates for body parts19 Jan 2004 by Malcolm Drury
In the wake of a scandal that has led to families complaining to the NHS for removing the organs of dead patients and not paying a fair amount for them, the government is to introduce a fixed rate for spare body parts, DeadBrain has learned.
"We just want to be treated fairly," said Mary Ramsbottom of Bootle, speaking on behalf of a group of local women who had each received £1,000 for their deceased husbands' livers. "Women in other areas were paid a lot more than we were and it just seems so unfair that the NHS is saying their husbands were worth more than ours." Mrs. Ramsbottom said that she knew of a lady in nearby Wigan who received £2,500 for her husband's liver. "I mean, fair's fair," she said. "If I'd got £2,500 instead of £1,000 for Doug's liver I could have had a nice holiday as well as buying the 60" wide-screen telly. And I would have asked if they wanted his kidneys as well." Health Secretary John Reid expressed sympathy for the families involved, and said he hoped every case could be satisfactorily resolved. He said the NHS would start using a fixed payment rate as soon as possible and asked families to be patient in the meantime. "We have already begun work on developing targets for establishing a fixed scale," he said, "and once they are in place and the staff required to monitor them have been hired and trained, we will be ready to proceed." He added that by introducing a fixed rate the government would not only be ensuring fairness but would also be making it impossible for people to seek bids on organs obtained from their loved ones. While this was not yet a problem, he said, he could foresee a time when, if the inequities were not addressed, people might turn to the Internet to get the best offer on an organ. "We do not want a situation in which British body parts are offered for sale on e-Bay," he said, "and in fact the legislation we will introduce will expressly forbid that." Asked to comment on Dr. Reid's announcement, the current interim leader of the alleged Conservative Party, Michael "I believe" Howard, told our reporter that rather than a fixed rate, market forces should be allowed to set the payments for organs. "It should be simple supply and demand," he said, "just like petrol."
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