News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Boris Johnson
DeadBrain: Daily news satire, spoof, parody and humour
  You have trodden in: Home > News19th March 
 

UK air traffic control to upgrade to Flight Simulator 2004

Following an incident in which two large passenger jets almost collided in 2002, National Air Traffic Services (NATS) is to upgrade the software at its Swanwick air traffic control centre in Hampshire to Microsoft Flight Simulator 2004, DeadBrain has learned.

At the same time, the operating system of the computers will be upgraded to Windows XP and each controller will be issued with a new optical mouse.

A mix-up at the Swanwick centre put a Virgin Atlantic Boeing 747 and a Delta Airlines Boeing 767 on a collision course over Wales. The controller mistakenly transposed identifying data on the positions of the two aircraft, and as a result while trying to force the jets apart he actually brought them closer together.

A cockpit collision avoidance system alerted the Virgin pilot to the danger, and he was able to take avoidance action, although a woman passenger was thrown off balance and broke an ankle, a gerbil that had been smuggled aboard by a young boy escaped, and several bottles of duty-free whiskey were broken.

The error was the result of a known bug in the version of Flight Simulator in use at the time. A spokesman for Microsoft, who would identify himself only as "Bill", told our reporter that the so-called bug was actually a feature, but it had been removed from the latest version of the software.

When asked why it has taken so long to upgrade the software, Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for NATS, told our reporter that the safety of the air passengers was paramount and so it had been deemed necessary to check the more recent versions of Flight Simulator in detail. "This took some time," he said, "but the end of the day we have a product that is not only absolutely guaranteed to be bug-free, but we also got a pretty good deal from Microsoft as compensation for the lost whiskey."

He added that the NATS computers had now been linked to the Internet so that update patches and security fixes to the software would be downloaded and installed automatically.

He noted that normal air traffic control services would be suspended for a few days to allow for the initial installation of the new software and training of controllers in its use. He added that he wanted to assure the flying public that during this period their safety would not be jeopardised as the control service would be temporarily outsourced. "We're currently looking for the lowest bidder," he said, "and so far it looks as though it will be India."

Transport Secretary Alistair Darling was not available for comment as, according to an aide, he is fully occupied trying to fix the trains.



Log in to read/write comments on this article

This looks good...

Bookmark | Comment | Print | Send to a friend

 
Copyright ©2001-2009 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Sheep