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Blunkett undergoes surgery to enlarge top of head
22 Jan 2004 by Matt Knight
The Home Office announced today that Home Secretary David Blunkett – known to civil servants as "Bonkers Blunkett" – will be undergoing surgery to enlarge the top of his head.
In an uncommonly candid statement an official explained that: "Due to the staggering amount of ideas that find their way to the top of Mr Blunkett's cranium, it was critical that this space be widened to make way room for more ideas...hopefully better ones."
Mr Blunkett, who in recent months has been seen to stagger around uncomfortably in public, is expected to spend five days in hospital. The operation will be carried out by Guther von Hagens, a pioneer of the new technique dubbed the "Haircraft Carrier", at Liverpool Street Station in the Monday morning rush hour.
Earlier today DeadBrain spoke to another civil servant, who preferred to remain anonymous. "The sheer volume of ideas now coming off the top of Bonkers' head has becoming deeply concerning," he said. "The new policy initiatives he announces almost every day are just the tip of the iceberg. My God! You should see what didn't make it on to the statute book."
DeadBrain's undercover reporter Douglas Ramsbottom has been passed files of what are commonly described as "Blunk's junk" by officials at the Home Office.
The most bizarre proposal was the order to construct an enormous hydraulic disc underneath the UK in order to create the world's largest lazy Susan. Mr Blunkett hoped that by revolving the country through 180 degrees asylum seekers would be more evenly spread throughout the UK and not be concentrated in the south east of England.
Further madcap proposals included:- All police officers to be armed with speed guns
- Single parents to be confiscated
- Children to be banned
- Judges to be sectioned
- Police dogs to be trained to carry firearms
Mr Blunkett, who last weekend went to Calais to stock up on alcoholic provisions after a well-publicised piss-up, was unfortunately unavailable for comment today. We wish him a speedy recovery, preferably at 36mph in a 30mph zone.
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