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| You are drifting somewhere near: Home > News | 5th July |
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Howard pledges to outlaw waccy baccy, alcopops and Britney Spears23 Jan 2004 by Malcolm Drury
In what some see as a bid to avoid garnering the youth vote, Conservative Party interim leader Michael "I believe" Howard has pledged to reverse the planned relaxation of cannabis laws in the unlikely event of the Tories ever coming to power. And his government would also ban alcopops and the alleged entertainer Britney Spears, DeadBrain has learned.
Mr Howard, referring to the government's plan to reclassify cannabis from class B to class C next week, described the idea as "absurd" and "without logic". He said it would send a signal to young people that cannabis was safe and legal even though it was not. "And alcopops are just as bad," he told reporters. "They just encourage underage drinking. And that Britney Spears just promotes teen sex." "So we'll make them all illegal," he said. "And we'll be taking a close look at the Teletutubbies as well," he concluded. "My advisors tell me there's something not quite right about Po's relationship with Laa-Laa, but they can't put a finger on it." Asked if he had ever had an alcopop or lusted after Ms. Spears, or, indeed, watched the Teletubbies, Mr Howard refused to answer. He said if he did answer the question the entire shadow cabinet would then face similar interrogation, and he could not be sure of some of them. "I have reason to believe that at least one of them has a Britney Spears CD," he said, "and I'm pretty sure Theresa May has a talking Po that says 'big hug' when you squeeze it. Either that or there are some funny goings-on in her office." Addressing a press conference earlier today, Douglas Ramsbottom, spokesman for Home Secretary David Blunkett, defended the government's move. He said it would enable the police to focus their efforts on the most dangerous drugs and making up statistics. "Like, the only thing that's absurd and without logic around here, man, is Michael Howard," he said, in a somewhat slurred voice. "Has anybody got a packet of crisps?" he added. "It's not as if weed's being legalised, man, and anyone caught with small amounts will still be warned and could be arrested if they are found to be persistently offensive, I mean persistent offenders," he continued. At that point Mr Ramsbottom fell off his podium and began giggling uncontrollably. He was helped out of the room by an aide, shouting "give us a kiss" to an attractive female reporter. A Downing Street spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, told our reporter that there was absolutely no truth in a rumour that Prime Minister Blair's incessant smile was anything other than naturally induced. "There's no weed at number 10," he said. "Well, some thought Robin Cook was a bit of a weed, but he doesn't come around anymore," he quipped.
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