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  Top-up Fees

Shock as NUS campaign fails miserably

There is shock among the ranks of the National Union of Students tonight after the government won its Commons vote on university top-up fees. Just weeks ago, the Labour leadership was facing massive opposition from the vast majority of its party, backbenchers, students and the general public, but thanks to a concerted effort by the NUS tens of backbenchers fell into line and the government won.

The NUS campaign in recent weeks consisted of a few London students standing outside Parliament when Bargain Hunt wasn't on television, NUS President Mandy Telford appearing on television as often as possible and a widespread national campaign of apathy.

"The apathy campaign was our biggest success," Ms Telford said tonight after the result had been announced. "Our union has millions of members up and down Britain, and it takes a real effort to get the vast majority of them to do nothing whatsoever to stop the government."

"Yes, there were a few thousand hardliners who insisted on going for a walk through London last year with some placards," she conceded, "but thanks to our leadership most students made no protest whatsoever and left me to raise my media profile. That sends a real message to the government, and in that sense we were very successful. Sky can't get enough of me."

There was, however, some last-minute dissent within the NUS ranks. A "group" of students in Hull, led by and consisting entirely of an alcoholic drink-driver called Bob who has an unhealthy obsession with prostitutes, broke the official NUS guidelines by attempting to mount a high-profile protest of his own that would not result in Ms Telford appearing on television. The protest, which had been scheduled for tomorrow – 17 hours after the vote took place – was at the last minute moved forward to midday today.

Speaking from the doorway of the Resnikov bar, where the one-man "sit-in" protest took place, an inebriated Bob told DeadBrain that he would continue to protest against top-up fees despite tonight's defeat. "My spirits are not down, but I have downed a lot of spirits," he slurred. "And a lot of beers, too. But I'm not going to give up. I'll be here until at least closing time, and maybe later. Depends whether I can find my car keys."

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