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Cabinet Ministers to be declassified
31 Jan 2004 by Hugh Jarse
The Home Office has unveiled plans to declassify Cabinet Ministers to a Class C substance in a move which has attracted scorn from both the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats. The move has been welcomed by the police and user groups. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told DeadBrain: "We don't want to spend hours filling out paperwork and chasing down young people just because they've got a little bit of Geoff Hoon or John Prescott on them. Resources are short and our officers are already overworked, we want to focus on the traffickers who are moving large amounts of Tony Blair around."
Customs officials seized over 100 tons of Jack Straw last year as well as the largest ever consignment of Gordon Brown. Experts say that the UK has an insatiable habit for this kind of substance, but drug rehabilitation groups have expressed concern claiming that using even a small amount of Geoff Hoon can, in some cases, cause psychotic episodes and studies have indicated a link to schizophrenia.
A leading drug counsellor said: "We're giving out the wrong message to young people today, we're saying it's ok to smoke an Alistair Darling at a party or drop a couple of Tessa Jowells at a rave and nothing bad is going to happen but we're seeing more and more cases of people whose lives have been destroyed by this kind of recreational use."
The case of Iyanaye Williams of Brixton is one such example. His father noticed how his son, aged only 16, was regularly getting high on John Prescott. "First it was a small spliff and then he started smoking Prescott in a bong. Eventually Iyanaye was hospitalised after a particularly nasty experience when he took three Peter Hains and a John Reid," he said. "He's recovering now, but he still hears voices telling him about how Gibraltar doesn't want to be British and that foundation hospitals really are a good thing. We're just distraught and we want our son back."
However, some regular users claim to suffer from no ill effects whatsoever from long-term minister abuse. Howard Marks & Spencer, well-known author and one-time trafficker, claims he has been doing Charles Clarke for over 30 years without any real harm to himself. He told our reporter: "Doing a cabinet minister at the weekend or once in a while really isn't so bad."
Despite this, drug rehab groups say that doing cabinet ministers is just a stepping-stone to doing Tony Blair. "We don't want to see a generation strung out on Tony Blair - or worse, Crack Tony Blair. This stuff is dangerous, once you start down that road and develop that cheesy Cheshire cat grin, it's very hard if not impossible to get rid of it. It stays on your face no matter what the issue is. Just look at his wife! She's got it too!"
Police have meanwhile stated that they will not be taking action over the opening of an Amsterdam-style "Cabinet café" in Soho. The owner of the new "smoke shop" told our man on the street, "Anyone is welcome to come down here and smoke a few Hoons or Browns without fear of arrest."
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Oi, down here!
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