Dubya's Week: A Sea of Troubles

Sunday 25 Januerry
Big trouble. New pole by Newsweek says that if election was held now Kerry would get 49% of the votes and me only 46%, even Jeb might not be able to fix that. So got Donny, Ashcroft and Cheney in on a conference call, not Powell though, he's gone soft, he's saying now that Saddam probbly didn't have any weppons of mass destruction, first it's David Kay [former senior US weapons inspector - Ed.] saying it, now Powell, well they'd both better watch out, there's still some spare places at Gamtwamnano Bay according to Ashcroft.

Anyway asked the guys for some ideas. Ashcroft said why don't we just throw all the demercrat candidates in jail, they want to overthrow the government and that's illegal under the Patriot Act. Sounds good to me but I bet the cry-baby liberals would protest so I said we'd better just hold that one in reserve for now, see what Jeb can come up with first.

Monday 26 Januerry
Reelly upset today, Queen [Elizabeth II - Ed.] is gonna make Bill Gates an honerry night for what he's done to reduce poverty around the world, well what about my work on reducing poverty, my tax cuts have reduced poverty for lots of people, like Dick Cheney, he's a lot less poor now than he was. And she nighted Dad, and Reagan. It's just not fair. Maybe she found that sheet I tore when I was over there, I thought I'd hidden it pretty well, boy doesn't she have anything better to do than go snooping around in the garbidge cans.

Toosday 27 Januerry
Grate news - the federal defissit will reach $477 billion this year, and it's a record! Darn I'm good! Phoned Donny to tell him and he said no we don't want a defissit, even a record one, it's bad. He said a defissit is spending money you don't have and I said what's wrong with that, beats spending money you do have, because then you don't have it any more, so you might as well just spend what you don't have to start with, don't waste time, cut out the middle man. Then Donny said a bad word and hung up. I guess he just doesn't understand Bushonomics.

Wensday 28 Januerry
Terry Blair phoned, he was real excited, said he'd been eggsonerated by some guy called Hutton. Not absolutely sure what eggsonerate means, but must be good, so asked if he could do it for me, too. Terry said unfortunately not but he, Terry that is, not Hutton, would put in a good word for me next time he was in the US of A and if there was anything he could do for my re-election campane just ask. What a grate guy!

Got into trouble, with Laura, though - Terry's call got me thinking about Sherry again, and dreamt about her during afternoon nap, Laura woke me and said what are you smiling about? Had to think fast and said it was a just a joke Donny told me. She said what joke, so had to think fast again and said I'd forgotten it. I don't think she beleeved me. Bet she has a headache for another week now.

Thersday 29 Januerry
More big trouble. David Kay wants an independent inquiry into what he says are intelligence failures over Iraq. Didn't think he was a liberal, thought he was on our side, gonna be careful who I appoint in future. He keeps saying Saddam had no weppons of mass destruction and that our intelligence guys got it all wrong. Well Cheney says there are weppons and we'll find them, he just said that again the other day to the Pope, and he wouldn't lie to the Pope. Anyway, asked Ashcroft to have a word with Kay, explane how things are what with the election campane and all, we don't want anything to mess it up.

Friday 30 Januerry
Even more big trouble - now it's Condi [Condoleezza Rice- Ed.] saying maybe Saddam didn't have any weppons of mass destruction after all, says maybe our intelligence was wrong. Well there's nothing wrong with my intelligence, wouldn't be president if there was. What's going on? First it's peeple like Gaddafi getting onside with us, then it's my own peeple saying Saddam had no weppons, then it's Kerry beating me in a pole, looks like I'm gonna have to do something drastic to get re-elected.

Saterday 31 Januerry
Day off.

Cheney, Ashcroft and Donny came over to play Oilopoly, it's Dick's faverite game, he says it reminds him of his days at Hallyberton. Turns out it's a special version of Monopoly that he invented, it has axis of evil countries instead of streets, oilfields and pipelines instead of stations and utilities, stuff like that, and then you get to be a country from the coalition of the willing that helped me catch Saddam, and you have to take the axis of evil ones over and Americanify them by building oil rigs and hamburger places and WalMarts.

It was OK until Donny landed on one of Dick's oilfields and couldn't afford to pay so he had to go directly to Gwanmantano Bay, do not pass Baggdad, do not collect a kickback, and stay there. He said that's stupid, I've got better things to do and went home in a huff. Dick ended up winning, owned everything, he had a reelly wierd expreshun and was drooling on the board. Must think about whether I reelly want him as my running mate.