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Government in shock move to legalise cannibalism
2 Feb 2004 by hra
In a surprise announcement yesterday, Gregory Mullet, junior minister at the Home Office, heralded a shake-up of existing laws on cannibalism, making it legal from the beginning of March to consume body parts from consenting or dead humans. Reading from a prepared statement, Mr Mullet added: "Our decision follows on from the success of a similar pilot scheme in Germany, and will bring Britain closer into line with this key player on the European stage."
Amid fears that, in the UK at least, there might be an insufficient supply of people stupid enough to volunteer to be killed and eaten, Mr Mullet disclosed plans for a new Big Brother-style competition whereby the public will vote online to nominate victims "for evisceration". An initial pool of spin-doctors, politicians and other "housemates" from the Hutton Inquiry will be pre-selected to attract the maximum public interest. A sponsorship deal for the competition is expected to be offered to Campbell's Soups.
As an additional measure, politicians and spin-doctors who quit their jobs "in order to spend more time with their families" will be given special priority, since participation in the scheme will give them a permanent means to achieve that aim with relatives of their choice. Mr Mullet also revealed that any Press coverage predicting a "media feeding frenzy" or referring to "bottom feeders" will from now on be taken quite literally.
Healthcare chiefs today sounded a note of caution over the use of human livers as a foodstuff, warning of the growing demand for transplant organs posed by alcoholic ex-footballers. Interviewed by DeadBrain yesterday, a spokeswoman also highlighted an ongoing need for human hearts to replace those left by lovesick songwriters, inadvertently or otherwise, in San Francisco. However, on the positive side, she also stressed that the patient perception would be one of greater efficiency. "We expect the incidence of BSE to fall in coming months as beef products decline in the average UK diet. People will now be able to catch the human form of mad cow disease directly from each other."
Doug Ramsbottom, the leading animal rights campaigner, welcomed the new initiative, predicting that "modern-day intensive farming methods will soon become a thing of the past as demand for traditional animal meat declines in favour of human-derived products".
He added that the new food source should in time obviate the need for battery farming and force-feeding with growth hormones until, that is, the supply of spin-doctors and politicians is exhausted and the scheme moves on to manufactured pop bands and renegade sports personalities. When quizzed on his predictions over artificial insemination, Mr Ramsbottom declined to comment.
A re-launch of the popular "How to Cook" programme is understood to be broadcast over coming weeks by the BBC or its successor.
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