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| You are passing rapidly through: Home > News | 20th March |
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 Osama bin Laden 'traced' to luxury mansion in Beverly Hills10 Feb 2004 by hra
In an rarely-granted live interview, Osama bin Laden (46), the infamous terrorist mastermind allegedly responsible for all the terrorism there is, will be, and has ever been in the world, gives his thoughts on his role in the post-Saddam era. Conducted via DeadBrain's interpreter, Douglas bin Ramsbottom, our interview began by exploring the perhaps surprising fact of Osama's living quite openly in an upscale neighbourhood in California after all the speculation he might have gone into hiding.
Q: What made you choose California for your new base? A: Great weather, great people, great pizzas. Well, better than those in Afghanistan. Plus it's in the safest country we could find. The USA's the only country the USA can't bomb, invade, impose sanctions against or get mixed up with Libya. Q: Don't you get any hostility from the locals out here? I mean I'd be a bit worried if I suddenly found out my next-door-neighbour was Osama bin Laden. A: They probably think I'm just some regular guy who's changed his name by deed poll, had radical plastic surgery, joined a religious cult and started up a commune. Hey man, this is California. Q: Surely someone must have noticed your commune's really a terrorist training camp? A: Sure but we tell them we're just making a movie. Lawrence of Arabia II but with a different leading actor spotted by talent scouts in Jalalabad. Hell, as long as we don't do anything really weird like dangling our children over balconies, sleeping with chimpanzees or dancing on car roofs, anything goes. Land of the free. Q: But someone's bound to realise who you are sooner or later, aren't they? A: Here? In the US of A? A country that elected George W. Bush as President? Even if they do and even if the authorities do have anyone with more than two brain cells and their ass not being licked by a foreign head of state, they'll probably leave me alone. Q: Leave you alone? The world's most wanted man? A: Sure. I'm the guy they love to hate. The new JR. What do you think would happen if they zapped me, rounded up the rest of what was supposedly al-Qaeda, and then found the world was still crawling with terrorists? They'd never be able to sell that to the American people; it's much too complicated for the voting public to understand, and Bush's ratings would drop through the floor. Q: But they captured Saddam, didn't they? Doesn't the same reasoning apply? A: The way I hear it, they didn't mean to. They found this hole in the ground and thought it might have oil in it, so they went to check it out. When they found it had Saddam Hussein in it instead, they went ape. But it was all on live TV so they had to go ahead and capture him or they'd be facing a lawsuit. But maybe he'll "escape" or turn out to be a fake. Q: Talking of Iraq, are you sorry Saddam's been overthrown? A: Tell you the truth, Saddam and I have never exactly been best buddies. I've bad-mouthed secular regimes like his for years. Back in '90 I offered the Saudi bosses my help fighting him, and I've even cosied up to the Iraqi Kurds now and then. But if it suits people to use me as a fall-guy to justify the war, I'm not complaining. Makes them look even more stupid. In fact, as long as they don't get rid of all those religious extremists we're really trying to support, who Saddam's fall has actually helped, I don't give a rat's ass. Q: What were your thoughts on the Hutton "whitewash" over the Iraq dossier? A: Great news. Tony's gone a step too far this time, proving he can get away with something as crazy as that, no matter what anyone says. They'll even think he even picked a fight over this to show 'em who's boss. People are gonna be scared of him now. Next time he pulls a stunt like that, he probably won't even bother with an inquiry at all. Civil liberties? Forget 'em. Democracy? Forget it. Q: So you're saying people will feel disenfranchised? A: Got it in one. And you know what? That's just the kind of scenario we like to see. Look what happens with discredited, repressive regimes in other parts of the world. Indonesia, Egypt, to pick a couple. Militancy and extremism is what happens. And even better, mostly of its own accord. Just what we want. Q: To sum up, what are your plans for global terror now? A: Could be we won't need any now. Bush and Blair are doing a good enough job for us. We'll just kick back, take it easy, work on our tans, watch the Johnny Carson show, go to Hollywood parties, eat popcorn. Oh and tell your readers, have a nice day, willya? Related Articles Sad middle aged man in terror hoax 9 Feb 2004 Blunkett promises to crush terrorists with new powers 3 Feb 2004 USA censures Taiwan over its WMD programme 29 Jan 2004 "Royal" terror cell was active in Yorkshire, says US 13 Jan 2004 Bush orders pre-emptive strike against Yorkshire 12 Jan 2004
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