Dubya's Week: The War President
14 Feb 2004 by Malcolm Drury
Verbatim highlights of President Bush's handwritten daily journal for the week of February 8 to February 14, 2004. Do the good president's innermost thoughts as revealed here suggest that it's close to the end of the road for his Vice President? You be the judge.
Sunday 8 FebuerryWent on TV, Meet the Press, got a roasting over them missing weppons of mass destruction, and why we went into Iraq, I said I admit some intelligence had been wrong, but I said we knew for a fact that Saddam might have been able to make a weppon and give it to the terrorists, and that was a good enough reason for a war president like me to take him out. Think I got away with it but it was pretty close, should have gone to Fox not NBC, Fox don't ask so many hard questions.
I wish we'd used my own plan for explaning why we were going after Saddam, I wanted to say that he was working with Dr. Evil to steal all our oil and sell it to aliens from another planet, I thought that was pretty good, everybody knows Dr. Evil is a bad guy, but Cheney wouldn't let me, said nobody would beleeve that garbidge. Well nobody beleeves his garbidge about weppons any more except in Texas and maybe Alabama. Next place we send the troops in it will be my explanation, not his, I don't care what he says. That's if he's still with me, which is getting to be unlikely.
Toosday 10 FebuerryReleased some payroll records of my National Gard service, also a drawing of my teeth that proves I was in Alabama, or at least they were, but it seems there's still a problem, no one who served with me there has come forward to say they saw me, bet they're all demercrats. I'm pretty sure I did serve in Alabama, or was it Albania, it was a long time ago, can't remember much about it, them years is a bit of a fog, shouldn'ta drank so much.
Cheney phoned, said something about Terry Blair going to Libya to see Daffy Duck. I said who, he said Daffy, the head guy there. Does he think I'm stupid, I know Daffy Duck isn't reel, if he'd said Austin Powers or Spiderman I might have beleeved him. Got me thinking about Sherry though. Terry's a nice guy but I don't know what she sees in him, too many teeth, him, I mean, not her.
Wensday 11 FebuerryGave speech at National Defense Unaversity, wanted to wear my flight suit and general's hat but Donny still wouldn't let me, what's wrong with that guy, doesn't he know I'm the war president. Said that no more countries should be allowed to make nucular weppons. Thought it better not to add what me and Donny think, that we should unalaterally nuke any that did, no need for U of N resiglutions on that one, good way of testing our nucular weppons, too.
Boy, I reelly like being the war president, maybe I should start wearing a boiler suit like Winslow Churchill did. Bet Donny won't like that, either, well tough cookies.
Thersday 12 FebuerryGrate news, seems U of N inspectors have found nucular weppon tecknology stuff in Iranistan, something about a sentry fooge for processing harmonium, whatever a fooge is. This could be just the excuse we're looking for, will probbly need to get the troops in somewhere before long if Kerry stays on a roll, I'm the war president, not him, even if he was in Vietnam, big show-off. Iraq just isn't working out the way we wanted, and I blame Cheney. I should have beleeved the U of N inspectors in Iraq instead of listening to him.
I wonder if Iranistan has oil.
Friday 13 JanuerrySaw on Fox news that one of the challengers to Vladimir Putin in next month's Rushan presidenshal elections who disappeared for a few days, nobody knew where he'd gone, has reappeared. He says he was kidnapped and drugged by Rushan secrit services and is not going back to Rusha until after the election. Called Ashcroft and said wouldn't it be nice if Kerry and Dean and them other demercrats disappeared the same way, if you take my meaning, them Rushans sure know how to handle elections, even better than Jeb. He, Ashcroft that is not Jeb, said if I'm thinking what you're thinking forget it, so I said I'm not thinking anything. He said something back, didn't quite catch it, sounded like so what's new, but why would he say that, it don't make sense.
Saterday 14 FebuerryDay off.
Had a bad dream during afternoon nap, dreamt I was being attacked by Dr. Evil and about 20 mini-mes, they all had sharp axes of evil with long handles and were threttening to chop me up. Woke up in a swet and Donny was there and he threw a big glass of cold water over me. I said what did you do that for and he said I don't know, sorry, I panniked, you were swetting and scraeming. I think he did it on purpose. I said what are you doing over here anyway, it's my day off, and he said I came to see if you wanted to go out for pizza but if that's your attitude I'm leaving and he went off in a huff. I got a laff, though, because the cat bit him as he was going.
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Look at this, moron.