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Tories plan to cut branches and lower bar in metaphorical onslaught

The Shadow Chancellor, Oliver Letwin, gave a speech outlining his spending plans to the Royal National Metaphorical Institute today. According to Mr Letwin, the government is throwing too much money at doctors, nurses, teachers and the police. He argues that some of this money is missing its target and falling to the floor, and that the current government is not picking it up. A Conservative government, he says, would not only throw less money, but would also pick up any excess lying on the ground.

He told DeadBrain that if Labour win a third term in office, they will spend to a point where even the greatest high jumper in the world would have trouble not hitting the bar of government spending, while the worst limbo dancer on earth could pass under it while standing upright.

Mr Letwin went on to say that public spending was like an overgrown tree at the moment, whereas under a Tory government the scissors would come out and a beautiful bonsai would be the result: "I believe that with a judicious snip here and there, 35 billion worth of leaves and branches can be trimmed."

However, a government spokesman told DeadBrain that Mr Letwin's plans were ludicrous. "Oliver Letwin is trying to bamboozle the public with confusing metaphors," he said. "These are the simple facts. There is no money on the floor, the tree is not overgrown, the bar is at just the right height and any severing of the nation's economic branches would severely damage the health of the fiscal chestnut."

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