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Obesity charging scheme set to be adopted throughout the UK
20 Feb 2004 by hra
Following the success of the recent Central London congestion charging scheme in achieving a 30% reduction in the extent of London not covered by surveillance cameras and a 50% increase in the amount of personal information elicited by associated bureaucracy, the Home Office today unveiled plans whereby other areas of public concern may be exploited for the same ends.
In an interview with DeadBrain today, Gregory Mullet MP, the newly-appointed Junior Minister for Infringements of Privacy, cited by means of explanation Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (noting of course that the "Win Friends" portion can wait until nearer the next election). Mullet pointed out that in first place on Carnegie's list of life goals by which people can be "influenced" - or to put it more baldly, "conned" - into consenting to something they wouldn't otherwise want to, is "Health and the preservation of life".
To that end, Mullet went on to explain, the Home Office intends to launch a national Obesity Charging Scheme. He outlined a draft questionnaire for the public consultation exercise as follows:
- Is the public concerned about obesity? Yes.
- Are people worried about dying from obesity-related disease? Yes.
- Are people worried about having hospital resources eaten up (no pun intended) by other people who are even more obese than they are? Yes.
- Above all, is it all the fault of other irresponsible people in society against whom we all need to be "protected"? Yes.
In its first phase, the scheme will feature obesity-charging cameras installed at the payment points in all outlets of McDonalds and Pizza Hut, all transport caffs, and the House of Commons tearoom. All customers will be automatically fingerprinted and iris-scanned, and their biometric IDs, together with a log of their food order and its calculated saturated fat content, will be forwarded to a central database where access to the information will be strictly restricted to: the security services; tabloid newspapers; telemarketing firms; computer hackers and anyone else who wants to sell or use it for profit.
A flat rate charge of £5 will be triggered upon purchase of any qualifying foodstuff on any given day, regardless of quantity or number of purchases, and whether or not the item is being purchased on behalf of someone else. A system of discounts will of course be offered, lest any additional opportunity for information-gathering be lost. For example, followers of the Fatkins Diet, where burgers and pizzas are the only allowable items, will be entitled to a 90% discount. Applicants will need to submit a downloadable form 10 days in advance enclosing notarised originals of their vehicle registration document, property title deeds or lettings agreement, bank statement, council tax bill and two utility bills. This, Mullet explained, is in order to "protect" the public against fraud.
An extension to the scheme will be planned in due course, Mullet disclosed, whereby all supermarket till receipts will be collated and analysed to detect fraudulent attempts to home-produce unlicensed junk food. A fixed £60 penalty charge will be levied on customers purchasing 3 or more of the following: sesame-seeded buns over 5 cm. in diameter; burgers with more than 2% fat content; burger relish or ketchup; cheese squares; onions; and gherkins. Supporting DNA evidence will also be gathered by domestic refuse collection personnel under the guise of new recycling measures for packaging.
Mr. Mullet, DeadBrain has learned, is 28 stone and suffers from obesity-induced cardiac insufficiency, incipient diabetes, and chronic weight-related back and knee strain. Though subsisting entirely on burgers, pizzas, sweets and fizzy drinks, he is expected to be able to reclaim his own obesity tax, including any extra VAT, as a business expense incurred during the consultation exercise.
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