| |
Blair introduces compulsory drug testing in Cabinet
22 Feb 2004
Teenagers have today given their backing to a new plan for compulsory random drug testing in Cabinet. The proposal, which was announced by Tony Blair in a newspaper interview today, comes after a successful trial during which David Blunkett's guide dog was gradually weaned off green doggy treats. According to doggy treat experts hired by the Cabinet Office, the dog was persuaded to cease demanding them after a forced urine test was taken by John Prescott at the start of every Cabinet meeting for the last six months. Some reports claim, however, that its addiction has been replaced by one to red doggy treats, which are potentially more harmful.
A Downing Street source told DeadBrain that the drug testing has been designed particularly with Mr Blunkett in mind. "The Cabinet felt that Mr Blunkett came up with too many loopy suggestions during meetings and they wanted something done about it," he said. "They presumed he must have been on drugs but they had no proof. Now they will have."
Recent proposals from Mr Blunkett have included compulsory ID cards for illegal immigrants, reformed anti-terrorism laws that will allow the arbitrary imprisonment of anyone with a beard (with the exception of Mr Blunkett himself, but not excluding Robin Cook) and a scheme for registering all chickens with the Home Office "to prevent the spread of bird flu". "He's either stoned or bonkers," our source added. "It makes no difference really, but we'd like to know."
Under the new scheme, Cabinet members found to have taken drugs could be reported to the police, asked to apologise, marched to a cash machine, locked away under the stairs in Number 10 or "given a severe ticking off" at the discretion of the Prime Minister. Mr Blunkett is reportedly trying to award himself immunity to the new tests under the Anti-terrorism Act. His dog was unavailable for comment.
A related attempt to introduce a Weight-Watchers scheme for Cabinet members has meanwhile been vetoed by the Deputy Prime Minister.
Log in to read/write comments on this article
Wow, look at this!
|
|
