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DeadBrain's Oscars predictions for 2004
23 Feb 2004 by Malcolm Drury
It's Oscar time once again, and all normal activities have stopped throughout the USA and much of the UK as attention is turned from the mundane, such as war, pestilence, famine and the exploits of Jennifer Lopez, to this annual ritual of ostentatiousness and professed humility.
DeadBrain brings you its predictions of who will get to walk on stage, weep and thank a bunch of people nobody but them has ever heard of.
Best directorAlastair Campbell for "Lost in Translation", the gripping story of the battle between the spin doctor in the Prime Minister's Office and the national intelligence services of a western European nation to provide the justification for invading a Middle Eastern country under the pretext of its having weapons of mass destruction that could be deployed in a matter of only 45 minutes.
Best assistant directorJohn Ashcroft, "The Cooler", the story of one man's determination to bring possible enemies of the greatest nation on Earth under control in a prison camp in a remote location by putting them in "the cooler", a cage used for solitary confinement, and keeping them there indefinitely without trial.
Best actorWe are undecided on this one, but we suggest either Tony Blair for his role in "House of Sand and Fog", the story of a Prime Minister's struggle to persuade a nation, through innuendo and obfuscation, of the need to go to war, or George W. Bush for his role in "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World", the story of how a US president took on the rest of the world to show that the USA is best.
Best actressClare Short, for her stunning performance in "Something's Gotta Give", the tale of one woman's ultimately unsuccessful battle against a political master whom she believes is about to drag his country into an unjustified war from which it will be impossible to extricate itself.
Best visual effectsFox News for "The Barbarian Invasions", the gripping story of the invasion of a Middle Eastern country led by a barbarian with overwhelmingly superior forces of light, goodness and truth, told in the style of ongoing breaking news reports.
Best screenplay"The Return of the King", a chilling, science fiction thriller about how in the near future the backroom handlers of the president of a world superpower manipulate his re-election.
Best costumeGeorge W. Bush's flight suit in "The Barbarian Invasions", in the scene in which the hero of the film lands on an aircraft carrier and declares, "Mission accomplished!"
Best editingJoint award to George W. Bush and Tony Blair for their skill in editing the facts to justify the invasion of a Middle Eastern country.
Best make-upGeorge W. Bush and Tony Blair for their impressive making up of a constantly evolving series of reasons to explain why they ordered the invasion of a Middle Eastern country after the original reason was shown to be false.
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