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Alastair Campbell denies responsibility for BBC fire alarm
25 Feb 2004 by Malcolm Drury
Alastair Campbell, former spinmeister for Tony Blair and arch-enemy of the BBC, has denied any responsibility for a fire alarm that temporarily shut down the BBC's One O' Clock News bulletin today.
Speaking to reporters shortly after the incident an obviously angry Mr Campbell, teeth bared, said he was nowhere near the building at the time, and challenged anyone present to call him a liar and then face the consequences. "I have powerful friends, and I have better things to do than interfere with the BBC's so-called news, even though it's generally all lies," he said. "Now clear off or I'll sue you."
Douglas Ramsbottom, a BBC spokesman, told our reporter that the newsroom has been receiving anonymous phone calls ever since the Hutton Inquiry found the Corporation guilty of every crime in the books, and then some. "We have no idea who it is," said Mr Ramsbottom. "The caller just breathes a few times, says 'We're watching you and we know where you live so get it right', laughs maniacally, and hangs up."
"We did get a private detective to come in to help us trace the calls," he said, "as the police for some reason refused, but all he could ascertain was that the calls seemed to be coming from somewhere in the central London area, possibly Whitehall. But then we lost contact with the detective - he doesn't answer phone calls and his office has a big 'Gone out of business' sign hanging in the window."
He went on to say that there have been a number of bizarre and mystifying incidents at the BBC recently. For example, Everton Fox's car was found covered in blancmange, the whole cast of EastEnders were sent a "very dead" haddock in a brown paper envelope, and a bust of former Director General Greg Dyke from the lobby of Television Centre was found outside the building wearing a long blonde wig and lipstick, along with a placard saying "Hello sailor".
Asked why none of this had been reported by any of the BBC news outlets, Mr Ramsbottom declined to answer, muttering something about the Corporation's board of governors and not wanting to upset the PM. He refused to elucidate.
It is believed that Lord Hutton is to issue a statement saying that he is fully satisfied with Mr Campbell's denial and suggesting that mysterious events, including the fire alarm, were perpetrated by former BBC reporter Andrew Gilligan.
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Look at this, moron.
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