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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Gordon Brown |
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| You are sitting on: Home > News | 4th December |
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Blunkett proposes to criminalise everything27 Feb 2004 by Malcolm Drury
Home Secretary David Blunkett is to present a proposal to Cabinet to criminalise just about every aspect of life in the UK, DeadBrain has learned.
Mr Blunkett's new proposal follows the rejection by Downing Street of his earlier proposal to lower the burden of proof to secure the conviction of terrorists and to hold their trials in secret. He had also suggested that British citizens suspected of plotting a terrorist attack be arrested before the attack happened. According to a highly-placed Home Office source, Mr Blunkett feels let down by the PM and his Cabinet colleagues and has taken to spending most of the day inside a stationery cupboard, from which he emerges periodically to announce his latest idea and hand out a few paper clips and sticky note pads to whomever is there at the time. His latest idea is to greatly expand the number of activities classed as criminal so that anything beyond the normal routine of eating, sleeping and going to work or school would be against the law. According to Mr Blunkett's thinking this would make it much easier to arrest suspected terrorists on technicalities. "After all, it worked with Al Capone," said the source. Among the areas that would be newly classified as criminal would be watching or listening to BBC news reports, calling the Prime Minister names, being Andrew Gilligan or Clare Short, and having a beard. With regard to the latter, the source said he understands that Mr Blunkett is prepared to shave off his own beard in the interests of national security. "Confidentially," he said, "I think it's just a way to have a go at Robin Cook." The source went on to explain that Mr Blunkett recognised that if his new proposal were enacted the burden on the police services could be considerably increased, and they might have much less time for their important jobs, such as making up crime statistics. But the Home Secretary will propose a novel solution - that of annual self-confession of crimes committed. According to this scheme, every person residing in the UK would be required to file an annual statement of their criminal activities, in much the same way as for an income tax return. The statement would itemise the criminal activities, and a remittance of the total amount of fines for crimes that had not been detected by the police would be required, calculated from standard tables. Those who had committed the more serious listed crimes would be expected to present themselves at the nearest facility of Her Majesty's penal system for self-incarceration. Father Douglas O'Ramsbottom, a priest from Bootle, told our reporter that Mr Blunkett's proposed confessional scheme was much the same as that used by the Catholic Church. "Sure, and the only difference would be instead of three hail Mary's and a bottle of stout for the priest it would be a fine or a jail term," he said. Mr Blunkett was unavailable for comment as everybody had gone home for the day and somebody had locked his cupboard with him still inside.
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