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| You have been drawn towards: Home > News | 11th February |
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 1,000 new spies to be recruited in War on Public Opinion28 Feb 2004 by hra
In a dramatic exclusive obtained for a mere £50,000 in brown envelopes during a clandestine meeting on a park bench in an undisclosed location, DeadBrain has obtained full insider details of the public opinion campaign conducted on behalf of the intelligence services over the past year or so.
DeadBrain's source, code-named 'Douglas Ramsbottom', was formerly employed as a highly-placed media analyst in MI11, the top-secret Media Infiltration service acting on behalf of the combined though nominally and conveniently separate intelligence agencies. Recently dismissed for offences under the Official Whistles Act, he approached DeadBrain asking if we could "spare a bit of change". Ramsbottom began by outlining the carefully-orchestrated measures – a sensational revelation only to those who didn't notice at the time – to sanitise the somewhat tarnished image of the intelligence services and render the public so frightened that they'd blithely accept such measures as detention without trial, convictions gained on intelligence reports alone, draconian anti-money-laundering regulations, 4 million surveillance cameras and, most recently, a 50% increase in the number of spies in the UK. "It took about 60 front-page 'war on terror' articles in 'The Times', 300 scares over cancelled flights, an average of 1.5 money-laundering conspiracies per week, 70% of broadcast news bulletins where a terrorist-related report was the top news story, and 3 BBC documentaries about the secret war against al-Qaeda. But we made it," Ramsbottom quoted from a covertly-recorded conversation with an anonymous senior colleague in the Carlton Club last weekend as she gloated over the latest so-called announcement. "We even managed to 'spin' the way the 50% budget increase was pushed through," Ramsbottom observed, adding: "naturally the proposal was first released almost as a fait accompli to the media by the Home Office, ensuring that the debate itself and all the objections would occur only once the matter had ceased to become headline news." Questioned on whether the Katharine Gun disclosures might have come as a slight political banana-skin in terms of the War against Terror of Exposure by Whistleblowers, Ramsbottom explained: "That's exactly when it plays well to keep the intelligence services separate. Six can screw up, get caught out spying on the UN and weapons inspectors overseas, whilst Five gets its massive budget hike. In previous decades it was the other way round: Five was caught out spying on such legitimate targets of military intelligence as the Newbury Bypass Protesters, whilst Six got its new HQ". For a further £50,000 in used notes, Ramsbottom then disclosed what the 1,000 new spies were going to be used for. Again he quoted a telephone intercept from a senior colleague. "It's a national disgrace that even after all our diligent efforts and bundles of boodle, there are still, to this day and age, certain TV channels and broadsheets which we, Murdoch or anyone else in the Government for that matter, don't fully control. And then there's all the online civil liberties messageboards we'll have to infiltrate if we haven't done so already. Oh yes and there's the political satire sites too. Mustn't forget those, must we eh, David?" In a bizarre coincidence, DeadBrain's owner, Gregory Mullet OBE, has just "committed suicide" in an outdoor location in the Home Counties. His replacement has been positively vetted and will be announced in a news bulletin by the Home Office a few days before being voted in. Related Articles US military creates virtual Earth, finds terrorists, invades virtual France 24 Feb 2004 Osama bin Laden 'traced' to luxury mansion in Beverly Hills 10 Feb 2004 Sad middle aged man in terror hoax 9 Feb 2004 Blunkett promises to crush terrorists with new powers 3 Feb 2004 USA censures Taiwan over its WMD programme 29 Jan 2004
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