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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · George W Bush |
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| You are humming to the tune of: Home > News | 6th October |
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 Hutton to conduct inquiry into Clare Short3 Mar 2004 by Malcolm Drury
The government has asked Lord Hutton, whose recent impartial report on the Kelly/Gilligan affair found it innocent of any wrongdoing or error of judgement, ever, to launch an inquiry into maverick Labour MP Clare Short, DeadBrain has learned.
Ms. Short recently alleged that Britain spied on UN Secretary General Kofi Annan during the run-up to the invasion of Iraq, a claim dismissed by Tony Blair as "deeply irresponsible" and "not necessarily entirely true in its entirety, one way or the other". She also claimed to have read transcripts of some of Mr Annan's conversations, including a request to his secretary to pick up his dry cleaning and asking an aide to order a couple of pizzas for a lunchtime meeting. Douglas Ramsbottom, a senior Downing Street official, told our reporter that the Prime Minister is furious with Ms Short, and had considered having her deported but had changed his mind when told that not only was that not strictly possible on legal grounds but, more importantly, it would make a martyr of her. "And that's the last thing the PM wants to do," he said. He noted that a theory that has gained considerable currency in Whitehall is that Ms. Short has become an agent of the BBC, hired to try to pay the government back for the criticisms made against the Corporation by Lord Hutton in his previous report. An alternative theory is that she has, in the words of Mr. Ramsbottom, "gone over to the dark side" and become a Tory. Mr. Ramsbottom said Lord Hutton's remit is to make a full examination of Ms Short's claims and all the necessary background that led to her making it. The inquiry will be held in secret, in the interests of national security, and it is understood that a key witness to be called will be Mr. Blair's former spinmeister Alastair "Rambo" Campbell, on the grounds that he has an intimate knowledge of all that is wrong with the BBC and is therefore well placed to assess the validity of the Short-as-BBC-agent conspiracy theory. According to a source who wished to remain anonymous, earlier today Home Secretary David Blunkett emerged briefly from the stationery cupboard in which he has recently taken up residence to say that he had certainly not seen any transcripts of Mr. Annan's conversations and to note that he has access to much more sensitive information than Clare Short ever did, "so yah, boo and sucks". Current interim leader of the Conservative Party, Michael "I Believe" Howard, told our reporter that there was absolutely no truth in the theory that Ms. Short had joined his ranks. "Come on," he said, "think about it - strategically she's much more valuable to us where she is." Lord Hutton was unavailable for comment as he was busy sharpening his pencils. Related Articles 1,000 new spies to be recruited in War on Public Opinion 28 Feb 2004 US military creates virtual Earth, finds terrorists, invades virtual France 24 Feb 2004 Osama bin Laden 'traced' to luxury mansion in Beverly Hills 10 Feb 2004 Sad middle aged man in terror hoax 9 Feb 2004 Blunkett promises to crush terrorists with new powers 3 Feb 2004
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