Dubya's Week: Desperately seeking Chad
13 Mar 2004 by Malcolm Drury
Verbatim highlights of President Bush's handwritten daily journal for the week of March 7 to March 13, 2004. As the election battle begins to heat up our good friend seems to be getting more imaginative with his re-election strategies, but apparently only to be thwarted by his Defence Secretary every time. Will George prevail over the coming weeks? Only time will tell.
Sunday 7 MarchPowell came over for breakfast, I figgered it's time we had a chat, haven't seen much of him recently. He's a nice guy, a bit too soft maybe, but polite, he didn't say anything when I dipped my tie in my egg, any of the other guys would have laffed.
While we were eating Donny came in, he said Gadaffy of Liberia, or is it Libya, always get those two mixed up, has shipped all his nucular weppons stuff to us, even some skud missles. I said could I have a skud missle just for the election campane, I could sit on it like that guy in that movie, Dr. Strange Glove or whatever. Donny said no George I don't think so. That guy has no imaginashun.
Monday 8 MarchGot a phone call from some woman at Buckingham Castle, sounded reelly upset, I think it was Queen [Elizabeth II - Ed.], she asked if I could explane a broken chair they'd found berried behind some bushes underneath the window of the room me and Laura stayed in last year, she said it was nearly 500 years old, the chair, not the window. I said no it wasn't me, I don't know anything about it, I wasn't even in the room when me and the security guys were playing baseball there so how could I know? Think I got away with it, she just said thank you, that's what I thought, and hung up. Sheesh, I thought we'd berried it pretty good. Bet one of them corgis dug it up. Anyway, if it was so old what's the problem, it couldn't have been worth much, you'da thunk she would be able to afford to get new furniture once in a while even if it's only from IKEA.
Toosday 9 MarchThat Blix guy is causing trouble again, he's written a book, he says we should have listened to him about Saddam's weppons, says we knew he didn't have any, Saddam that is, well we gave him, Blix that is, a chance to say he had weppons, Saddam I mean, not Blix, although maybe he had some hidden away too, Blix that is, wouldn't surprise, me and he, Blix that is, not Saddam, didn't take the chance and .. [at this point the president seems to have lost his train of thought - if, indeed, he had one - as, mercifully, this paragraph ends abruptly - Ed.].
Anyway, got to thinking that I should write my own book, I write reel good, get the story straight about them weppons of mass destruction once and for all, and how I caught Saddam, Kerry didn't do that. Could have a photo of me on the front cover in my flight suit and general's hat and US marine combat boots, maybe on an aircraft carrier or in Saddam's hole, that would be grate for the election. Mentioned it to Donny and he just said forget it, just use the words we give you, stick to the script, don't go writing your own. Sometimes I wonder if he reelly wants me to be re-elected.
Wensday 10 MarchKerry won landslide in Florida, I phoned Jeb and said what's going on, how did you let that happen, but he said sorry there was nothing I could do, so I said what about that guy Chad who fixed things for us last time and he said what Chad and I said you know, Chad, the guy with the dimples, his wife was pregnant, don't you remember him, and Jeb just kinda snorted and said sorry I have to go open a shopping centre or sign a letter or something, talk to you later and he hung up. Donny was listening to me and he just said forget it George, how many more times do I have to tell you, leave the election to us.
Thersday 11 MarchSeems you can't trust anybody these days, Ashcroft phoned to say he'd seen on the news that Terry Blair has let them Gwamtamnano guys we sent him go. The only reeson we sent them over there was so we didn't have to feed them, trying to cut down on costs, we assumed Terry would keep them in jail and give them a secrit trial. Phoned Terry and said that wasn't very helpful, don't want peeple thinking I'm weak, I'm the war president remember, and I don't want stuff like that jeppardizing the election. He said sorry but he didn't reelly have anything to hold them on and I said so what, that didn't stop us.
Anyway, Ashcroft says we've still got some Brits in custody so now we won't be releesing them in a hurry, might send Terry the bill for their food though.
Saterday 13 MarchDay off.
Nice day, sunny and warm, so I got the barbecue out and invited the guys over. Cheney asked if I was gonna cook any of them wierd limey rabbits and I said that's not funny Dick, how was I to know they were corgis, wierd looking for dogs, never mind rabbits. Anyway got the burgers and stakes going but when I tried to flip them over my offishul US army chef's hat fell off and caught fire. I panniked and grabbed it with the tongs and threw it over my shoulder, and it landed on Donny, nearly set fire to what's left of his hair but luckily Powell poured a jug of ice water on his head, Donny's that is, so it was OK. Powell couldn't stop laffing and that made me laff so Donny said you're both morons and went home in a huff. So the rest of us shared his stake and burger.
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Oi, down here!