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Clare Short believed to be cornered by special force
19 Mar 2004 by Malcolm Drury
Tension is mounting in Whitehall with the news that maverick MP Clare Short appears to have been surrounded by a specially-trained and armed force of Labour MPs and party members in a remote mountainous location in Cumbria.
The Chief Whip of the Labour Party has been trying for several days to deliver a letter of reprimand to Ms Short, who has, in the words of Prime Minister Tony Blair, become "a bloody nuisance and a bit of a flake". The formal reprimand was precipitated by her recent allegations that the British government spied on UN Secretary General Kofi Annan during the run-up to the invasion of Iraq a year ago and that Mr Blair sleeps with a teddy bear called Roger.
Douglas Ramsbottom, a Labour Party spokesman, told our reporter that the special force, led by the Chief Whip and armed with long, frivolous speeches with infrared guidance systems, has surrounded the pub at the head of the Kirkstone Pass following interception of a frantic 999 call from a Brenda Shuttleworth. In the call Ms Shuttleworth said that what she referred to as a stout, middle-aged woman with brownish hair and an odd accent had taken over the pub and was urging patrons to drink cider rather than beer.
Mr Ramsbottom said that the speculation was that it was indeed Ms Short, and that she was attempting a last desperate attempt to bring the government to its knees by depriving it of revenue. The Chancellor raised the tax on a pint of beer by 1p in his budget earlier this week but left the tax on cider untouched.
According to Mr Ramsbottom an attempt had been made to contact the person in the pub believed to be Ms Short, but with no success. Asked if the special force was prepared to storm the building he replied no, saying that the government had no wish to make a martyr of Ms Short. He said that the force was prepared for a long stay if necessary, and a van had already been sent to the site carrying tea, coffee, sandwiches, an assortment of crunchy snacks, and several copies of this week's Beano.
The current interim leader of the Conservative Party, Michael Howard, has meanwhile denied a suggestion that his party was aiding and abetting Ms Short in order to embarrass the government, but he admitted that he would be following the unfolding drama with great interest "and glee".
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