Dubya's Week: A conspirassy unmasked?
27 Mar 2004 by Malcolm Drury
Verbatim highlights of President Bush's daily journal for the week of March 21 to March 27, 2004. All in all this was not a good week for our affable friend. Is paranoia beginning to set in? Stay with us to find out as we continue to bring you the innermost thoughts of the world's most powerful Texan as written down in his own hand.
Sunday 21 March
That Dick Clarke [former White House counter-terrorism coordinator - Ed.] went on CBS and said I done a terrible job on the war against terrorism and I ignored warnings about Al Kayda before 9-11. I thought he was on our side, Clarke I mean, not Al Kayda, I know he's not, he worked for Ron Raygun and Dad so I figgered he was OK even if he did work for Clinton. I guess you can't trust nobody.
It got me thinking about some of them others like Rumsfeld and Cheney I wonder if they can be trusted, they don't let me do much and they don't tell me what they're doing, they just say it's better for me not to know. I wonder if they've got a conspirassy going.
Monday 22 March
Seems them Pakistanian troops that thought they had surrounded Al Kayda's number two, Al Zawarry or whatever, were wrong, now they say he wasn't there after all, probbly escaped through a tunnel.
Had another of my famous brilliant insights so I phoned Ashcroft and said have you noticed all these Iraqish and Iranistanian guys are called Al and told him to check if Al Gore and Al Sharpton are frends of Al Kayda. He said sure, do you want me to check on Al Kaholik too and I said who's he and he said he's number two to Al Fresko so I said sure check them all, gotta show peeple I'm tough. I like Ashcroft, he doesn't make fun of me like them others do sometimes.
Toosday 23 March
Donny and Powell appeared before that commishun we set up to look into my intelligence, Donny told me to keep my head down, he said let them handle it, so I figgered it would be a good time to start writing my ortobiograffy. Didn't get very far though, it's all a bit of a fog before 9-11, or akcherly before last Friday.
Anyway, made a start on the bit when I was in Viet Nam and I was capten of a boat and we had to go and kill some guy who had gone mad and we did all sorts of dangerous stuff like lift the boat with a hellycopter and go under a bridge with a lot of fireworks and get shot at a lot. Showed it to Cheney when he came over later and he said what's this garbidge, you weren't in Viet Nam, you got all this stuff from a movie, just sit still and don't write or say anything again. I said don't tell me what to do, who's president, you or me, and he said that's a good question, why don't you think about it and figger it out. Boy, I'm reelly starting to get suspishus.
Wensday 24 March
Dick Clarke appeared before that commishun, he said we didn't think terrorism was a serious issue before 9-11 and he said we'd undermined the war on terrorism by invading Iraq. I know we didn't undermine anything, we used lots of mines, bombs as well, so he's wrong on that one. I said maybe I should go on TV and say I didn't have any intelligence before 9-11 and if I hadda had I'da acted. Donny said something, didn't quite catch it, sounded like you still don't have any, and he said no, your not going on TV, leave it to me and Cheney, we're working on a plan to get us out of all this.
There they go again, won't let me in on their little secrits, well maybe I'll get some secrits of my own.
Thersday 25 March
My mind started to wander during Cabinet meeting, doesn't usually, I'm normally razor sharp with an interlect that could cut steel, but I'm worried about whether or not Donny and Cheney reelly do have a conspirassy going against me. So I decided to become more insertive, stand up for myself, after all I'm the war president, so I jumped up and said OK I'm in charge and I make the decisions around here, and you'd better all do as I say, but the meeting had ended and there was nobody there except a cleaning guy, he just kinda smiled and carried on taking out the garbidge.
Friday 26 March
Couldn't sleep last night, too worried about this conspirassy so decided to confront them, I called Donny and Cheney in and said I think you guys have a conspirassy against me, I don't think your loyal to me any more. Cheney said oh no, absolutely not, I'm completely loyal to the office of president, I promise, so I said how about you Donny and he said yeah, me too. So I said OK, thanks guys, that's good enough for me. Secritly I'm not sure that it is, because I'm sure Cheney whispered something to Donny as they were leaving and they looked back at me and laffed.
Saterday 27 March
Donny called and said I have two tickets, didn't quite catch what for but I think he said the Lord of the Rings and it's got Robert Wagner in it, he said do you want to come with me so I said OK, I like that one, and that Wagner's good, I liked him in Goldmember. But when we got there it was just a bunch of peeple singing in Germanium about some ring and wierd women on flying horses and a guy with only one eye, I couldn't understand it, it didn't have any hobbits or orcs in it, just them peeple singing all the time and it wasn't even a good tune.
I kept falling asleep and at half time Donny said stay awake, this is culcher, so I said OK, but let's get some popcorn. He said this isn't the kind of place where you get popcorn so I said this is boring, I'd rather listen to my Tex Ritter records. And he said something about some woman, Phyllis Stein or somebody, I said who's she, one of your floozies, then he said I can't stand any more of this, you've ruined it, and he went home in a huff. So I got the security guys to take me to see Goldmember, that's what I call culcher. Got some popcorn too.
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Oi, down here!