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| You are just out of reach of: Home > News | 5th July |
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Bootle man calls for protest against "British FBI" plan29 Mar 2004 by Malcolm Drury
A Bootle man has called for a national protest against David Blunkett's plan, announced today, to create an elite British police agency with powers and roles similar to those of the American FBI.
The Home Secretary says he wants to make the UK "one of the most difficult environments in the world" for organised crime. "The scourge of organised crime is massive and has to be confronted, and we have to be able to take out the Mr Bigs of crime and put them where they belong, in an iron chest at the bottom of the North Sea," he said earlier today when he emerged briefly from the stationery cupboard in which he has recently taken up residence to announce his plan. This outraged Mr Norman Big, 43, a florist of Bootle. He called the Home Secretary's comment a slur on honest Mr Bigs everywhere, and chained himself to a railing beside his shop in protest and said he would stay there until Mr Blunkett apologised. "It was bad enough when I was at flower school, being sniggered at because of my name," Mr Big told our reporter, "but now everybody will think I'm a major criminal, and I'm not. The worst I've ever done is not pay the fare on the bus when I was a kid and I still have nightmares about it because of the guilt I feel." Mr Big said that he called on law-abiding Mr Bigs throughout the UK to unite in protest and demand a retraction of the term by Mr Blunkett and an apology. However, Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for the Home Secretary, told DeadBrain that the latter would never retreat from his position, nor would he apologise, and in fact he had wanted even more powers for the new agency, such as being able to flog anyone who looked suspicious "just in case", but had been held back by the more moderate members of the government, or the "wimps" as he called them. "So if Mr Big wishes to remain chained to his railing, that's his right in a free and democratic society," said Mr Ramsbottom. "That's what this is all about, a society in which somebody like Mr Big is free to chain himself to whatever he wants without fear of being attacked by vicious gangs of drug traffickers, illegal immigrant smugglers, money launderers or rogue taxidermists." In related news, DeadBrain has learned that the government has abandoned a plan to take over the Isle of Man as a safe haven for people living under the witness protection scheme. It appears that a team of Home Office sociologists had suggested that by putting all protected witnesses together they would feel more secure by virtue of being able to give each other mutual support. However, a team of sociologists from the Department of Health had pointed out that while there was some merit in the scheme, the obvious flaw was that it would make the witnesses somewhat easier to find.
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