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Canada seals seals' fate
The Canadian government has given the go-ahead for a mass seal cull, despite the protestations of environmentalists, animal rights groups and Paris Hilton. Sealers armed with clubs and shotguns will confront the animals on their own turf. Casualty figures are expected to be high, especially amongst the seals.
Guidelines stipulate that most seals should be shot rather than clubbed to death, but experts say that the animals are unlikely to favour either method of extermination. According to Professor Douglas von Ramsbottom, a seal expert from landlocked Austria, many would rather not be killed at all.
John Efford, the Canadian natural resources minister, argued that this was ludicrous, saying that the seals were almost definitely in favour of a cull. He explained that since the animals did not have the intelligence to start wars in order to control the population, they needed outside help from a superior species. If people did not go in and stabilise the numbers, the seals would eventually run out of room in the small country of Canada.
Many US celebrities have taken to wearing T-shirts proclaiming their opposition to the cull. Society girl and intellectual Paris Hilton has even threatened to stay out of the limelight if the cull goes ahead. She told DeadBrain: "I'd give every seal a gun if it was possible. I'd like to see the animals defend themselves. But it just wouldn't work. I don't think a seal would be happy to shoot a human, unless it was defending its kittens."
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