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Wagner slammed in latest RAC "road rage" probe
The classical music world has this week been stunned by the results of a study by the RAC Foundation which sensationally named and shamed Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" as top of its blacklist of in-car music found most likely to engender reckless driving.
As the news broke on Wednesday, leading radio station Classic FM responded by playing some suitably soothing, calming music no doubt intended to avert the spectre of a national road network beset by renegade classical music enthusiasts jumping red lights and ploughing through roundabouts, Waitrose trolleys and each other. The musical treat in question was in fact none other than Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" proudly broadcast on their popular "Lunchtime Requests" programme, having been "requested" on behalf of a motorist who said it suited his driving style. The eventual fate of the said motorist is unknown, but perhaps as a salutary warning to such listeners and to redress the balance, Classic FM is also frequently known to play Siegfried's Funeral March from the same operatic masterpiece.
Quite by coincidence, the latest research conducted into traffic chaos on the M25 by the Department for Transport has also cast blame on Wagner, instead of rather more prosaic traffic cones, white vans or even women drivers. Douglas Ramsbottom, a senior driver behaviourist with the Department explained: "Rather than listen to mere snippets such as the 'Ride of the Valkyries', classical music enthusiasts have been stopping in the carriageway to hear Wagner's entire Ring Cycle, and that's just between junctions 7 and 8."
The offending work, which can last up to 20 hours depending on the conductor, has also since been held responsible for a recent spate of train chaos outside Paddington and holiday flight delays to Cyprus, as listeners in their droves avidly tune in.
Speaking from his retirement home in Valhalla today, Richard Wagner, who will be 191 next month, is quoted as saying he had "no intention of inciting 'road rage'" when he originally conceived his magnum opus. The four music dramas, he claims, were originally designed "for a sedentary audience in an opera house or similar ambience" and not for frustrated commuters speeding up the hard shoulder of the M4 at 95mph in their Citroën Saxos, imagining they were some kind of horde of mythical Valkyries on winged horses.
In a statement through his solicitor, Wagner also disclaimed legal liability for any speeding tickets, parking fines, or congestion charging fees incurred by Brunnhilde or any other of the Valkyries, dwarves, giants, animals or deities featuring in the aforementioned work.
A replacement Government-approved musical interlude, suitably equipped with speed humps, red-route markings and traffic cameras and titled "The Tailback of the Skodas" is anticipated shortly.
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