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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Blunkett |
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| You are staring at: Home > News | 19th March |
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 Royal Family to be vetted in security drive16 Apr 2004 by Malcolm Drury
In a major policy shift, members of the Royal Family are to be vetted to ensure that they are the right people for the jobs they perform, DeadBrain has learned.
The new policy is expected to be announced shortly by the Home Office. It follows a report by the Independent Security Commission into an incident in which an alleged journalist for an alleged newspaper, the alleged Daily Mirror, was able to get a job as an alleged footman at Buckingham Palace and work there for two months after only a cursory background check. The report is believed to recommend extensive vetting procedures for royal jobs with every aspect of an applicant's life being thoroughly examined. Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for Home Secretary David Blunkett, told our reporter that although the Commission's report strictly speaking relates only to people who wish to work for the Royal Family, Mr. Blunkett feels that, in the interests of fairness, it should be applied to the members of the family themselves. For example, he asked, is it appropriate that *, the Royal formerly known as Prince Charles, have the job of writing to Cabinet Ministers and ranting about architecture and genetically-modified vegetables? Or is Prince Philip the right person to be representing Britain in diplomatic circles? "Perhaps there are people who are better suited to these roles in terms of their background," said Mr. Ramsbottom, "and all we want to do is look into that possibility." He said that the proposal had been discussed with senior members of the Royal Family, most of whom are still angry at last year's Bean Report and feel they are once again being unfairly picked on. "Confidentially, Prince Philip was the most vocal," he said, "referring to the Home Secretary as 'that daft bugger with the beard' and making a suggestion that Mr. Blunkett would, if he tried to follow it, find anatomically impossible." According to Mr. Ramsbottom, * has not been available for comment as he has been too busy talking to his cabbage plants and preparing for his next holiday. Asked what Mr. Blunkett had in mind if it were deemed necessary to replace one or more of the members of the Royal Family because they did not pass the vetting procedures, Mr. Ramsbottom said that that aspect is still confidential, but he did hint at the possibility of outsourcing to India. In related news, it appears that the executive jets used by the Royal Family may lose their distinctive Union flag tail markings under anti-terrorism measures to be introduced by the Ministry of Defence, and be treated as ordinary passenger aircraft in other ways, such as always being late, serving terrible meals and showing films that everybody has already seen and can't hear properly anyway. Related Articles Buckingham Palace cancels Sun subscription 2 Apr 2004
Prince Philip in peasant-shooting row16 Jan 2004 Prince Charles more popular than sex 5 Jan 2004 Royals to be moved outside London 11 Dec 2003 Royal Family obtains injunction against itself 24 Nov 2003
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