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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Blunkett |
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| You just fell over: Home > News | 20th March |
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Second face on Turin Shroud "clearly" Tony Blair18 Apr 2004 by Tony Cluedo
Scientists last night confirmed something that the Prime Minister has known since he was born: the blood of God flows through his veins. The announcement was made when an independent body, headed by Lord Hutton and assigned to examine the mysterious second face on the Turin Shroud, produced "unequivocal" evidence based on DNA samples and "the leering Cheshire cat grin" that the face was that of Tony Blair.
Invitations were immediately sent out from Downing Street for 5,000 journalists to attend "The Last Press Conference" that was held this morning in the shadow of the London Eye. Gliding across the Thames, Mr Blair assumed his throne and, flanked by his 11 most loyal ministers, addressed the assembled press corp. "Some of you may doubt my position as Jesus Christ (Resurrected), but I will prove my powers to you by giving you each your heart's desire," Mr Blair boomed, causing a major distraction to people running the London Marathon. "Lay down on your notepads the first word of what you wish to be tomorrow's front page and not only will I write the story for you, I will make it a reality." The dubious journalists each set down the first word of their dream exclusive, but soon any doubt had been extinguished as their pages filled up with words. A Sun journalist remarked joyously: "It's now legal to use torture to extract a juicy celebrity story from witnesses! Oh, thank you Prime Minister!" Meanwhile, a Daily Express reporter exclaimed: "The Walls of Jericho to be rebuilt around the British coastline to fortify an impenetrable barrier to immigrants – both legal and illegal! Oh, holy day!" However, a Daily Mail correspondent was less happy. "Swindon and Gloucester to be declared homosexual enclaves, where the inhabitants can indulge their every salacious whim? I'm sorry Mr Blair but this is the diametric opposite of my paper's hugely intolerant views on gays." But Mr Blair merely glanced at the correspondent's notebook which turned over a new leaf to reveal the rest of the story. A smile came to the correspondent's face as he read the remainder of his front page: "And both Swindon and Gloucester have been nominated as the two new metropolitan refuse sites for Britain's unstable surplus nuclear arsenal. Surely this is a gift from the gods!" The meeting was interrupted by a tardy Gordon Brown who embraced Mr Blair in greeting. He was swiftly followed by Michael Howard leading a phalanx of baying fanatics who between them carried a huge cross, knocking a number of runners into the Thames in the process. Mr Howard declared: "As a responsible Parliamentarian I follow the word of international law, and if Mr Blair is truly Jesus Christ then I must insist that the original sentence, no matter how barbaric, be carried out. Neither resurrection nor the passing of almost two millennia should obstruct the righteousness of justice." Although Mr Blair said that he would like to take up Mr Howard's offer, he insisted that he had a prior engagement to rush to and would be appointing John Prescott as "Deputy Christ" to oversee the spiritual purity of the nation. Not to be denied his pound of flesh Mr Howard set his ravenous horde upon Mr Prescott as Mr Blair skated off down the Thames to catch his flight to "anywhere, probably America". As Mr Howard's men stripped Mr Prescott and swathed him in a loin cloth, which was unfortunately in Mr Blair's size, Mel Gibson continued shooting the crucifixion as "realistic footage" for his forthcoming movie sequel, Passion of Christ 2: Return of the Christ. Mr Prescott was nailed to the cross, complete with a hastily-assembled extension and supports, which was then mounted onto the centre of the London Eye. It is not yet clear how long Mr Prescott will be there, but experts say that his camel-like reserves of fat could prolong his eventual demise. In related news, sources have tonight told DeadBrain that Mr Blair intends to perform another miracle to complement his earlier Miracle of the Invasion of Iraq, Miracle of the Dome and Miracle of Steven Byers and further enhance his status as Christ (Resurrected). The catchily-titled Miracle of the Referendum on a European Constitution, or MREC for short, is set to be the "most amazing and surprising spectacle so far" once it is announced next week. Planning for the follow-up miracle, which would involve the government winning the said referendum, is thought to be at an early stage.
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