Daily Express switches support to BNP, Labour to lose election
22 Apr 2004
The government is in crisis tonight after one of Britain's least-read newspapers pledged its support to the British National Party. The Daily Express, which has seen its readership plummet in recent years, said in a 40-page editorial rant that it had had enough of Tony Blair. "Enough is enough," it said. "We are sick to death of Blair's fannying about with socialist liberal mumbo jumbo. It's about time we had a government with some real teeth. That's why we are throwing our weight behind the BNP."
The alleged newspaper helpfully included a half-page diagram indicating through the use of a giant red space hopper that Labour had "lost its bounce" and "is deflating rapidly". A spokesman for the newspaper's owner, porn baron Richard Desmond, said that the party's loss of moral standards was partly to blame. "It is disgraceful that asylum seekers can walk freely about their detention centres, taking away jobs from honest and would-be hard-working British people," he said. "It is about time they were not just locked up, but lined up against the wall and shot. It's the only thing they understand."
As part of its rant in today's edition, the Daily Express also published a lengthy proposal for female asylum seekers to be forcibly dressed in PVC, tied up and bullwhipped as punishment for coming to this country. In order to fund this "essential activity", Mr Desmond offered to pay £2m for the broadcast rights, to be shown on one of his portfolio of adult channels. It is not yet clear whether this is official BNP policy.
Meanwhile, to coincide with the newspaper's switch to the BNP, Mr Desmond is apparently taking part in a bizarre initiation ceremony. Already today he has hurled abuse at the owners of the Telegraph while goose-stepping around a boardroom giving Nazi salutes, and it is thought that tonight he is participating in the ritual arson of a corner shop and an activity known in Oldham as "gypsy tipping".
Labour Party officials are tonight said to be in a state of severe shock. "People are reluctant to say this out loud, but this could be disastrous for us in the next general election," said a senior source. "If it gets out that we ever took money from this lunatic... well, it doesn't bear thinking about."
Our reporter pointed out that it was already common knowledge that the Labour Party would take money from anyone who was prepared to give them it, and asked whether any other party contributors had skeletons in their closets. With a panicked look on his face, the source lit a cigarette and said he had to leave for an urgent appointment to watch Formula 1 racing at the Millennium Dome, but for some reason instead caught a taxi to a Romanian steelworks.
Tony Blair is £51,000, or less if you buy in bulk.
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