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  The Royals

Prince Philip arrested after attempting to shoot artist

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that Prince Philip was arrested earlier today and is being held in custody after he allegedly attempted to shoot portrait painter Stuart Pearson Wright.

The Prince was apparently upset at a portrait of himself painted by Mr Wright. The portrait depicts the Prince as bare-chested, with a large nose, and with cress growing out of one finger. It appears that he left the Palace early this morning armed with a shotgun, tracked the artist down and attempted to shoot him. When Mr Wright tried to escape the Prince fired a couple of rounds, luckily missing the intended the victim but winging, and slightly wounding, a passing milkman. The Prince told the arresting officer that it was an accident, and that he had "intended to shoot the bugger, not miss him."

When questioned by our reporter Mr Wright said he was shocked and outraged at the Prince's action. "Gadzooks," he said, "it was an attack not just on me but on freedom of expression through art."

He said that he would be asking for police protection as a precaution against future attacks by members of the Royal Family, as he had also painted portraits of the Queen dressed as a clown, complete with red nose, and astride a walrus, and of the Prince of Wales as a Chinese courtesan with large breasts and a Rastafarian hairstyle.

"I paint them as I see them," he said. "That's what art is all about."

Douglas Ramsbottom, a Palace spokesman, said there was absolutely no truth to a rumour that the other members of the Royal Family had refused to pass the hat to secure the Prince's release on bail on the grounds that it was really peaceful without him. However, he did admit that *, the Royal formerly known as Prince Charles, said that he hoped the cress in the portrait was organically grown.

He added that Her Majesty had ordered that all the Prince's guns be confiscated and permanently locked away, as this was not the first time in recent months that he has had trouble with firearms.

Superintendent Brenda Shuttleworth, a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police, told our reporter that Prince Philip was being rather difficult to handle, swearing and challenging police officers to "bring it on, bluebottle". She said that officers at the station at which he was being held were considering passing the hat themselves to raise his bail money.

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