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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | 21st March |
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 SPECIAL REPORT: Britain capsizes under weight of EU immigration1 May 2004
Mainland Britain tonight capsized and is rapidly sinking following a sudden influx of migrants from Eastern Europe. The island got into difficulties in the early hours of this morning when "billions of asylum seekers" left their own countries en masse and made their way to the UK, where they intended to simultaneously "sponge off the state" and "take away jobs from hardworking British people".
According to eyewitnesses, the "illegal" migrants used whatever means of transport they could find to make their journeys, including donkeys, boats, caravans, wheelbarrows, cars, lorries, aircraft, inflatable bananas, spaceships and "over two million space hoppers". "It was a terrifying sight as hundreds of thousands of dirty money-grabbing good-for-nothings bounced over the horizon," said one Daily Mail correspondent from his fortified observation post in no-man's-land (formerly the German border with Poland). "These people were in a terrible state but they are a sign of things to come. Some were so poor they were forced to share their space hoppers – on one I counted no less than four men, two women, six flee-bitten children and their pet dog, which almost certainly had rabies." Within hours of the first newly-legal illegal asylum seekers arriving in the south of England, house prices in some areas had plunged to negative figures. In Southampton, prices in one street tumbled from £300,000 to £-40,000 and falling, before estate agents had even opened. "There are so many migrants here from Eastern Europe I would pay someone to take my house from me, just so I can leave," said one householder, whose garden contained Polish immigrants stacked up to three high. "I've never been so desperate to leave anywhere in my life. They've ruined this country and it's not even breakfast time yet." By lunchtime, scientists were predicting a shortage of oxygen in the Midlands. "Our tests show that oxygen levels have halved since this morning," said Professor Douglas Ramsbottom. "There are literally so many immigrants here people are unable to breathe. If they don't go back to their home countries immediately people will start dropping like flies." However, the number of immigrants arriving continued to rise and tabloid journalists were soon reporting a severe shortage of emotive water-related similes and metaphors. "We've used deluge, flood, flow, drown, torrent, inundate and more to death over the last few months," said Piers Morgan of the alleged Mirror. "If we don't get a delivery of new thesauruses soon then the paper will run out of rubbish to print." Even then, though, as "newspaper" readers faced a major shortage of anti-immigration scare mongering, the full extent of the crisis was yet to be realised. Since mid-afternoon, water from the North Sea had been quietly seeping onto farmland in Norfolk unnoticed, but as farmers stepped over the migrants that were now covering their fields and went to listen to the full time football results, a giant tremor struck England, causing major damage to property. While the emergency services attempted to cope with the consequences of millions of collapsed buildings, a second tremor struck and the full horror became apparent: mainland Britain was rapidly sinking under the weight of immigration. Within minutes, London was under hundreds of metres of water, and the tide was fast-approaching Birmingham.  Tonight, as DeadBrain makes this report from its oilrig base in the North Sea off what used to be East Yorkshire, only the northern tip of Scotland remains of Great Britain. Those who could escape before the country capsized did so, including a large number to Ireland, but initial estimates suggest that tens of millions of people have died as a direct result of expanding the European Union. Ireland is now struggling under the weight of immigrants and is already under several inches of water. Bertie Ahern has made a televised address pleading for people to leave before the country sinks. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the British government, who happily accompanied the Prime Minister and key members of the Cabinet onboard a Navy rescue submarine, said in a radio broadcast that government would go on. "The Prime Minister would like to assure what is left of Britain that your government is looking after you in this time of crisis. We are perfectly safe, so long as this nuclear reactor holds out, even if you aren't," he said. "But your rubbish will still be collected, your trains will still run slightly late but not as late as under the Tories, and the administration of this country will continue. Life must go on." "We don't yet know how many people have died, but I would like to make it clear that there was no way of knowing that this disaster would occur, but it almost certainly had its roots in the policy of the last Conservative government. We have already signed a contract with Halliburton to begin reconstruction of Britain," he added. "I would ask that you give them your cooperation." The spokesman added that he thought it unlikely that Gordon Brown, Michael Howard, Clare Short, or "a number of other opposition figures" had survived the capsize, and a new Chancellor would be appointed in the coming days. "To ensure that the procedure for selecting people to be rescued was fair, Lord Hutton will conduct an inquiry as soon as possible," he said, warning that biased reporting by whatever was left of the BBC would not go unpunished. Related Articles Calls for referendum on referendum on EU constitution 26 Mar 2004 Blair: Unemployed migrants to stand in corner 24 Feb 2004 Joan Collins forms new anti-EU pop group 19 Feb 2004 Blair welcomes "genuine" sun-seeking EU migrants 18 Feb 2004 New EU anti-spam law stops all spam in a day 11 Dec 2003 Mission to take Kinnock to moon blasts off 28 Sep 2003 Government to extend the requirements for wearing protective clothing 15 Aug 2003
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