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Public schools, street criminals join forces against charities bill
In an unlikely alliance, public schools and street criminals across the UK are joining forces in an attempt to defeat a bill that would update the 400-year-old charity law in England and Wales. The draft bill, which was announced today by charities minister Fiona Mactaggart, proposes that charities be subjected to a "public character" test. Public schools that currently enjoy charitable status and the ensuing tax breaks would have to meet the public character requirements to maintain their charitable status.
The draft bill also proposes to introduce licences for fundraisers who approach people on the street and ask for donations by direct debit. Current rules only demand licences for people asking for cash donations.
Gregory "Basher" Mullet, who makes his living raising funds from people in the street whom he invites to "make a donation", told our reporter that if the bill became law it would be the thin end of the wedge for people like him who are just trying to make a decent dishonest living. "I mean, if we can't do direct debit it will put a lot of us out of business and cause a lot of hardship," he said. "Most people don't carry much cash nowadays. My takings is down more than 40% from what they used to be before them credit cards come into use."
Sir Douglas Whistlethwaite-Twickenham-Ramsbottom, spokesman for the Urban Alliance for the Preservation of Archaic Country Activities, an umbrella organisation that represents most public schools, given their archaic nature, told DeadBrain that reluctant as the schools were to join forces with people like Mr Mullet, they felt that it was essential. "We must demonstrate that this bill would have a disastrous impact on the way of life of all segments of society, from the highest, such as us, to the lowest, such as him," he said.
Asked why public schools should have tax breaks, Sir Douglas said that it was the only way they could keep costs down so that the fees were affordable. "Parents face many other financial pressures," he said. "For example, holidays in exclusive resorts such as Klosters and Mustique don't come cheaply, and you wouldn't want people like us having to mingle with the riff-raff at Butlins, would you? And have you looked at the price of a Rolls these days, not to mention an Audi?"
He added that a number of strategies were being considered by the public schools to establish and confirm their status as charities, including "Feed a starving public school boy" flag days, in which small public school boys would be accompanied by Basher Mullet and his acquaintances, and perhaps a television appeal in the form of a reality programme, also featuring Basher and his pals doing what they do - without a licence - on behalf of the schools.
"By working together we are confident that we will defeat this monstrosity, old boy," he said.
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